|
|
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Koala walks into a bar. A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, "hey hairy, want a date?" The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner. The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker. Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses. "Hey," says the hooker, "don't you know the definition of a hooker?" And the Koala says, "No, sorry, I don't." And the hooker says, "it's someone who has sex for money." And the Koala says, "Well I guess you don't know the definition of a Koala." "What's that?" asks the hooker. "An animal that eats bushes and leaves." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said," here put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, she said." "That's Right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "that's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times. One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?" The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table. Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he asked. "Yes," she murmured, "You're checking for breast cancer." Donovan then began caressing her stomach. "Of course," he continued, "you know what I'm doing." "Yes," she smiled. "You're checking my appendix." By now the M.D. couldn't control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her. "You know what I'm doing, don't you?" he gasped. "Yes," she replied. "You're checking for VD . . . and that's what I came here for." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A father approached his 14 year old son and asks him what he wants most for his birthday. The son replies, "I want to get laid Dad." The father says, "You are still a bit young for that." He takes him out to the backyard and shows him a tree with a knot hole in it. "Practice on this and we'll see next year," says the father. The next year the father asks the same question and gets the same reply. The father tells the son to practice on the knot hole for another year. On his 16th birthday the son says, "Enough with the knot hole already, I am ready for a woman!" The father agrees and takes the son into town to the local cathouse. He tells the madam, "One for me and one for my son." The madam replies "You go up the stairs and turn left, your son goes up the stairs and turns right." At the top of the stairs the father pauses to wish the son good luck and then goes into the room with the whore. All of a sudden he hears terrible screaming coming from the room where his son went. He runs over and bursts into the room. There he sees his son shoving a broomstick in and out of the whore while she is screaming at the top of her lungs. "What the fuck are you doing son?" yells the father. "Checking for squirrels Dad" replies the son. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a small room for two weeks." "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room." "Not so fast, madame. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed." "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic." "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?" "Jesus, Son of Mary." "Where was he born?" "In a stable." "And why was he born in a stable?" "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off. "Who was that?" Demands the wife. "If you must know, that was my mistress." "Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!" "Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?" They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks, "Isn't that Howard over there? Who's he with?" "That’s HIS mistress." "Oh... Well I think ours is cuter." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
© 1999
|
