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Dreamed of having a site? Got one going? Now all you need is your own unique name and place to host it. _________________________________________________________ This guy was suspecting his wife of cheating on him, so he hired a professional CHINESE spy to follow her. Here is his report. (Should be read with a Chinese accent): Woman leave home, me follow woman. She go downtown, I go downtown. She go to mall, I go to mall. She met HE, HE met she. She go to motel, He go to motel. She go upstairs, he go upstairs. Me to see climb the tree. She go to room, he go to room. She take off her clothes, He take off his clothes. She play with He, He play with she...Me play with me, me fell out of tree! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke. One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat. "Please I need to get back to England" she pleaded. "If you sneak me on board tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean." Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her on board. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said, "When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect." and being true to her word she agreed. This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her. "Please don't get angry'" she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing. "Why are you laughing?" she demanded. He said, "Because you're on the Staten Island Ferry." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world-renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." "What's the cure, doctor?" asks the man. "We have to cut off 6 inches." The man thinks about it and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success and he stops stuttering. Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!" Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-uck Y-y-you! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why? A:The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This guy goes out to Las Vegas, and wins really big in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms. This is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decides to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy goes up to the room, opens the big double doors, and steps into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are othing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There’s a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy drops his bag on money in a chair and stands looking out the windows at the city. He realizes he is all alone and needs someone to share his good fortune with. He calls down to the front desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the best high-priced call girls in the city. Thirty minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The guy opens it and there is the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walks into the room. The guy goes over to the bar and fixes two drinks, he gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "Now, down to business," he says, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that’s outrageous!" "Come over here," She says walking toward one of the windows," see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, screw it, money is no object." A half hour after she’s done the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" "Honey, a blow job is $5000.00." "What, that’s outrageous!" "Come over here," She says walking toward another one of the window, see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "All right, screw it, money is no object." The guy gives her $5000.00. An hour after she’s done the guy is laying on the couch Head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He gets up, barely able to stand, staggers over to the bar, mixes two more drinks, gives one to the hooker, and drinks one himself. "My god that was the best blow job I have ever had, I’ve gotta know: how much for some pussy?" The hooker looks at him and says, " Honey if I had a pussy, I would own this whole city." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the South. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford Buck's 2 country boys in the next booth notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over, and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out she launches the groceries all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck "You're right that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. That night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off. Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off." "Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A slightly retarded farmer has a farm up the coast of California. Unfortunately, there are no women around. He gets rather desperate, and decides to try out an old mule. He puts a stepladder behind the mule, lowers his pants, but then the mule walks forward. The farmer gets down off the ladder, moves it forward, and tries again, with the same outcome. This process goes on for about 5 more iterations, until he finally gets the idea to lead the mule up to the ocean, so the mule can't walk away. When he gets on the ladder again, he hears a cry for help out to sea, and sees a drowning woman flailing her arms. He jumps off the ladder, swims out to rescue her, and drags her back in. The woman is totally nude, beautiful, and stacked as well. After he revives her and nurses her back to health, she gazes into his eyes with her limpid blue eyes, and says "Oh sir! I'm so thankful to you for saving my life! I'll do anything to repay you! Anything!!" So he says to her: "Could you hold that mule for me?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother (being concerned about the increase in violence in rural America) gave Little Red a .45 caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket. One summer day while on the way to her grandmothers house, a big bad wolf jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains out!" Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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