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Doesn't matter what OS you use, Beyond has something for everyone _________________________________________________________ This guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. A few minutes later the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy if he knew what he wanted. The guy says 'I'd like a quickie'. The waitress flushes and says 'That's not funny. Now, what would you like to order.' The guys says, 'I'd really like a quickie'. The waitress angrily storms off after this. Another customer overheard the conversation. He leans over and says to the guy, 'I think that it's pronounced quiche...' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! When he landed outside he was in the middle of a "running Marathon" so he started running along beside the others only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?" The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" The nuddy answered, "Only if it's raining. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women. It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"... It rounds them up and points them in the right direction. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On Fred's 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skivvies. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred's 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop. "What do you mean you don't want me to do it any more", she said baffled by his actions. "I just don't want you to hold me anymore", replied Fred. "Why, is there someone else"? "Actually there is," Fred shamefully admitted. "Well what does she have that I don't have"? "Parkinsons", replied Fred. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? It's all tongue in groove, with no studs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigette Bardot. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed to her Boobs. The tattooist warns her that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive later in life, and suggests the tattoo on her ass instead. She agrees, and bends over to receive a 'B' on each buttock. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the art work. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Uh, who the hell is Bob?" the husband replies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answer Men Would Like to Give Women 10. No, we can't be friends, I just want to use you for sex. 9. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all the fucking ice-cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat. 8. You've got a shit chance of me calling you. 7. No, I wont be gentle. Just bite the pillow. 6. Of course you have to swallow. 5. Well yes actually, I do this all the time. 4. I hate your fucking friends. 3. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight. 2. Id rather watch a stick movie. 1. Eat it?! It took me 10 schooners to get up the courage to fuck it! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), "Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why don't we take off our panties so's we be cool" Eloise says, "Oh, I don't know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed". So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, "Eloise, honey, I just can't stand this heat. We jess got's to take off our panties so's we be cool"? And Eloise says, "Mary Jane , I juss can't, I'd be too embarrassed". So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, "Eloise, honey, look up there on the poc'h of dat house. Jess look at dat. I'll bet she be cool." And Mary Jane says, "Less go axe her." So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, "Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poc'h of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon..... tell us... is you cool"? And the woman says, "HONEY CHILD... I DON'T NO NUFFIN A BOUTS BEING COOL, BUT IT SHO DO KEEPS THE FLIES OFF MY WATERMELON"! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend", for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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