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Buy rare animation cells from some of the greatest cartoons ever made _________________________________________________________ We (Singaporean/Malaysian) prefer to use short and easy to understand English, and not make people confused with 3 words instead of 10. We are comfortable with short but not so polite English. This is because English is not our Mother tongue. The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it effectively (short and easy to understand) when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few phrases that Singaporean/Malaysian and Britons use to say the same thing: AT THE SHOP....... Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you. We: No Stock! RETURNING A CALL..... Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago? We: Hallo, who page? ASKING SOMEONE TO MAKE WAY....... Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way? We: S-kews ! WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS TO PAY...... Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me. We: No-niiiiiiid.... (no need) WHEN ASKING FOR PERMISSION....... Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter through this door? We: (while pointing at door) Can or not? WHEN ASKING TO BE EXCUSED...... Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies. Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment. We: Toy lert, toy lert? (toilet) WHEN ENTERTAINING...... Britons: Please make yourself right at home. We: Don't be shy, ar! WHEN DOUBTING SOMEONE...... Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money. We: Where got? WHEN DECLINING AN OFFER...... Britons: I'd prefer not to do that, if you don't mind. We: Doe-waaaan. (Don't want) WHEN DECIDING ON A PLAN OF ACTION..... Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the restaurants are closed? We: So how? IN DISAGREEING ON A TOPIC OF DISCUSSION...... Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming from, but I really have to disagree with what you said about... We: You mad, ah? WHEN ASKING SOMEONE TO LOWER THEIR VOICE..... Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to concentrate over here. We: Shaddap lah! (Shut up) WHEN ASKING SOMEONE IF HE/SHE KNOWS YOU..... Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know you? We: See what, see what? WHEN CALLING YOUR WAITER...... Britons: Hi, excuse me. I would like to order, please. We: Woi! why so long!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit." "Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked. "For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from." "Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me." "You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have." "I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?" "Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month." "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean." She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the woman behind the counter, "Is there a male pharmacist available?" "No" she says, "My sister and I own this place and we are both pharmacists. How can we help you?" The man steps back, opens his coat revealing this rather large bulge in the front of his pants and says, "Its been like this for 7 days now, can you give me anything for it?" "Hmmm", says the woman, "Let me go consult my sister." Moments later she returns and says, "OK, we'll give you $400 cash and a half interest in the pharmacy." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea. The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?" She said that she did. He asked, "Does it hurt you?" She said no. The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant." The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from anal sex?" The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There's a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway. "What condition does he have?" the student asks. "He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn't obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he'll pass into a coma." The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse. "What about him?" the student asks. "What's his story?" "Oh, it's the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation. But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it. I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again. Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed. "So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?" "Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would suit me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to subscribe Send an email to unsubscribe.
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