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Buy rare animation cells from some of the greatest cartoons ever made _________________________________________________________ RULES for DEPRESSION 1. Try to be PERFECT. 2. Be very critical of any mistakes or failures you might make. 3. Do what you SHOULD do, even if it is not what you want to do. 4. Always do what you are supposed to be doing. 5. Make other persons happy at any cost to yourself. 6. Work hard at pleasing your mos severe critic. 7. Know that if you don't please, the other person will reject or leave you. 8. Never make a mistake 9. Live alone and have few friends. 10. Keep your failures, mistakes, errors and faults to yourself. Never let anyone know of them, because you never want anyone to know how bad you really are. Keep your secrets personal. 11. FEAR the future, because you know it will turn out bad. 12. WORRY about how bad it will be. 13. With such an awful future, try to be in control as much as possible. Knowing you are not in self control, seek to control other and events. 14. Knowing how you really are inside, your secret self, never listen to or accept praise or compliments. They will just make you big headed and egotistical. 15. Recognize the true importance of a negative interpretation and be certain to always emphasize the negative, and generalize it to yourself whenever possible. 16. Avoid any awareness of how your negativeness affects others. You have an important role to fulfill for them, and they need your realistic balance. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire." The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop. As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" and quickly moved it aside. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The phenomenon known as "Diced Carrot Syndrome" has been in existence since the dawn of man. For centuries this great scientific mystery has remained unsolved. However, until the advent of alcohol consumption, this little known phenomenon did not cause mankind any real concern. In modern society we have seen large increases in the consumption of this strange alcohol substance, and with it has come an increase in the occurrence of "Diced Carrot Syndrome". After a great deal of experimentation and personal risk of alcohol poisoning, scientists have now discovered that there is a direct correlation between "Diced Carrot Syndrome" and the amount of alcohol consumed. After many hours in a detoxification unit they came up with the following formula. Man + Alcohol = Strange liquid substance + Carrot It has also been noted that although carrot may not have been ingested for several months by subjects, the above result still holds true, given the right hand side of the formula "Man + Alcohol" is present. These startling results lead us to ask the question "where does the carrot like substance come from?". After several more years of experimentation by scientists, together with large amounts of liver and kidney damage amongst subjects. A new and revolutionary theory has been put forward to explain this strange phenomenon. It has now been discovered that the carrot substance is produced by a previously undiscovered gland known as the "Carrot Gland". The discovery of this once dormant gland, which is known to be stimulated by the consumption of large amounts of alcohol, has been surrounded by controversy and disbelief within the scientific community. The gland tends to be at its most active during the evening and early morning periods and especially during parties, so that should a subject feel the need to display their lunch on the floor to the rest of the party revellers, there will be an adequate supply of carrot to produce the required result. In this way, the "Carrot Gland" is a very efficient body organ, producing carrot in anticipation of the bodies requirements. After exhaustive studies, conclusive evidence has now been presented, which has quieten the voices of the most ardent critics of the "Carrot Gland" theory. Through the production of irrefutable evidence (in the form of copious amounts of resultant carrot substance along the main thoroughfares, after many late night parties ) another great mystery of life has been solved. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you realize that there is only one character of difference (and a space which, of course, is nothing) between "networking" and "not working"??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. Noone will answer. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you ARE a good sport." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joxha caught two mice and put them in his pocket. He went home, tied one of the mice to his bed and said to his wife, "Prepare a sumptuous meal for 20 people, they are coming to us for dinner. I am going to the shuk. He went to the shuk and there invited 20 friends. He took one mouse out of his pocket and told it, "Go to my wife and tell her that we have guests, and she must prepare a meal for 20 people. Then tell her to tie you to my bed." Everyone laughed, and said, "Poor Joxha, there will be no food when we will come to his house, but lets go and make fun of him." They came to his house and there was a sumptuous meal waiting for them. They where amazed to see that the mouse gave the message to his wife, and that she had tied it to the bed afterwards. A rich friend of his who was there very excitedly told him, "Sell me this mouse for 100 Dhirams. "No", said Joxha, "It is too precious." "200 Dhirams", said the man, then immediately upped his offer to 300. "Agreed", said Joxha and he sold the mouse for a good price. The wealthy man went home and told to his wife, "I bought a fantastic animal." He went to the shuk and invited 50 friends for a big party. He pulled the mouse out of his pocket and told it, "Go and tell my wife to prepare the meal and then to tie you to my bed." "The friends came but the table was empty. He complained to his wife, "But I sent you the mouse to tell you to prepare for our guests." She shouted at him, "You're crazy! What mouse?" All the guests laughed at him and he got very angry. He took Joxha to court and explained the story. The judge asked Joxha, "What have you got to say for yourself?" "I have one question to him. Did he give the mouse the address of his home?" "No." "So how do you want it to find the place?" The judge replied, "That's quite right. Case dismissed." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive. Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming. She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her. However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly. She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, .... "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Signs That You Have Had Too Much Of The 90's
+ You try to enter your password on the microwave. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old. Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man. The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America! Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to subscribe Send an email to unsubscribe.
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