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Are you online at home or work? Why not get paid at the same time? _________________________________________________________ A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Travel Agency Terminology TOUR GUIDE TERM ........... TRANSLATION
Old world charm .................... Room and a path ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (Reuters) - A 6-year-old boy who leaned into a Colorado Springs zoo cage Tuesday to get a better look at a leopard was bitten on the face and neck in front of the boy's horrified mother. Hospital spokeswoman Rita Burns said Philip Rupert, who went to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo on a family outing, was treated for puncture wounds to his face and neck and later released. Police said the boy climbed over a rope and up a 12-foot embankment, telling his mother "you can get a better look from up here." The 72-pound female leopard leaped at the boy, who was pulled away by two off-duty highway patrol employees. The mother was too busy taking pictures to control her kid. Note that two bystanders got to the kid before she did. At least the leopard (an Amur leopard) will not be killed - it's an endangered species. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) - A judge in the Colombian town of Planeta Rica, or Rich Planet, angered local residents by freeing two men who were jailed after one sold his teenage daughter to the other for about $200, a newspaper reported Friday. A report in Bogota's El Espectador newspaper said the father of the girl, Marcelino Perez, was arrested earlier this month along with the 61-year-old man who purchased the girl. The two were freed after a judge in Planeta Rica, in a rural area of northern Cordoba province, ruled their detentions illegal. The ruling, which outraged police and local townspeople, was based on the fact that no formal complaint had been filed against the men, El Espectador said. It quoted Perez's 13-year-old daughter, Luz Neida, as saying she knew she had been sold into virtual slavery but that her father deemed the unusual "business deal" as necessary to buy medicine for her ailing mother. Luz Neida has been turned over to a family welfare institute, the newspaper said. It said her sale had fetched Perez just 300,000 pesos ($193), slightly more than the going rate for a mule ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A salesman was traveling down in Mexico. He stopped for the night and got a nice third floor room overlooking the alleyway, where he could see a nice view of the sunset. The salesman went down to the cantina and had a margarita and a large bowl of chili. Delicious! He decided to order a second, a third, and even a fourth bowl of the chili. Later that night he was back in his room when the chili began to take affect. He quickly ran down the hall to the shared bathroom only to find that it was occupied. But he *REALLY* had to go! So back to his room he ran. He looked around - what to do? Things were getting really bad, so pulled the sheet from the bed and took a large messy dump! Wow! That chili was really potent! Now the salesman had to figure out what to do with a sheetful of shit. He couldn't just leave it in the room; too smelly. And he was too embarrassed to call the maid to come get it. So he picked up the whole thing and dumped it out the window, right into the alleyway. It landed right on a drunk in the alleyway. He began screaming, punching, kicking and flailing like a madman. The town constable heard the commotion and came running into the alley. "What is going on Pedro?" asked the officer. "You're not going to believe this" he said, "but I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 25 Snappy Comebacks to the age old question "Why aren't you married yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
Additional Responses
"And why don't you mind your own business and I'll handle mine." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Worst Job's + Photographer for the "Miss Nude Octogenarian" pageant + Laxative tester + Internet spelling/grammar corrector + Certified Pubic Accountant + *ANY* job in the White House if you're wearing a skirt. And that includes the poor bagpipe players. + Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester + Jessie Ventura's press secretary + Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition + "NYPD Blue" Makeup Specialist, Butt Division ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man is walking down the street when he sees an Indian lying on the ground with his ear against the ground listening. He walks up to him and says, "Can Indians really hear things with your ear on the ground like that?" "Yes," replies the Indian. "What do you hear?" the man asks. "I hear a 1996 Cadillac ElDorado, blue white vinyl top, Mag wheels, AM-FM radio, tilt wheel, air bags, blond lady driving car with black dog in the back seat." "You mean to tell me you can hear all that with your ear to the ground?" "Hear it heck," says the Indian, "The car ran over me 10 minutes ago." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you an unusual Intelligence? Do you find you lose interest in supposedly "Interesting movies"? It could be that you're one of the 5% of the population that has the mental capacity of a steaming turd! If so, you may want to join MUNSA - The Mentally Unemployed and Noticeably Stupid Association. Try the questionnaire below. The results could surprise you! If you can't even read the question, you're halfway there already. Just get someone to fill ou our full colour brochure at any trailing chemist, and you'll be in for some, good old fashioned non-challenging material. 1. Which of the following WAS one of the famous Marx Brothers? a. STRETCH b. SKID c. HARPO d. TYRE 2. The number missing from the series (1,2,4,..,16) is: a. YELLOW b. GERANIUM c. 8 d. TYRE 3. The letter missing from the series (a,b,c,..,e) is: a. z b. b c. d d. TYRE
4. A man walks into a Barber Shop, with $5.00. He buys 2 lemons at 45c each, 1 Pickled Eel for $2.40, 4 packets of washing powder for $3.15 each. What will happen?
5. Two trains leave the same station, but moving in opposite direc tions. The first train is travelling at 50km/hr EAST, while the second one is travelling 50km/hr WEST. Which train is travelling the fastest?
6. What comes next in the series (RED, GREEN)
a. A car
7. Mona Lisa was:
8. The cold war was about:
9. Complete the following Sequence: (Tyre Tyre Tyre) Ok, time to total up all your marks. Those of you who haven't mastered addition yet, go straight on to the application; you're the sort of person we're looking for. If not, give yourself 5 points for every D, -5 for every C, (+10 if you can't add negative numbers yet), 0 for every B and 0 for every A you ticked. How did you do? 90 to 50 OK! You're the sort of person we're looking for. Add 10 points to your score if you haven't got the hang of using anything but crayons yet 50 to -20 Who's been doing late night studying then? Sorry, you're just a run of the mill pleb - push off. -20 to -90 A computer geek I bet. Go join some place where they talk big numbers and floppy disks! Is 85 ALLRIGHT! go to the bottom of the class, you're a between leading light in our Association; get someone to fill 90 and 50 in the form for you and welcome aboard! What will MUNSA do for you? MUNSA is a group of people just like your self, and as such will have much the same interests. We'll meet once a month to watch American Game Shows (Except for our "advanced" class which will be watching the Australian Imitations), Television Dating Games, and listening to Public readings of Romance Novels. Also at the meetings, you'll have the opportunity to buy: * Swamp land at ridiculously inflated prices * Genuine Japanese imports with UNTAMPERED ODOMETERS (with scratches on it) * Slice/Dice/Mince/Stack shelf-mount food mungers from C-Tel * "Safe" relocatable houses from Chernobyl and many many more things, as yet not exploited. As a special initial offer, you will be given a free Brain Warning device which rings an alarm if your IQ gets above 25, in time for you to go back to your local for a couple of jugs of your favourite Weasels. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to subscribe Send an email to unsubscribe.
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