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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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Little Harold was practising the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For pity's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?"

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The beauty contest Finalist - Miss America, Miss Spain, Miss Britain, Miss Iran, Miss India and Miss Philippines.

Question: Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms. America: Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentleman.

Question: Why do you say that?

Ms. America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman.....

(Applause!.....Applause!)

Question: Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms. Spain: Male organs in our country are like toros in our own bullfight.

Question: Why do you say that?

Ms. Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.

(Applause!....Applause!)

Question: Ms. Britain, how would you describe male organ in your country?

Ms. Britain: Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors.

Question: Why do you say that?

Ms. Britain: Because it cries after every performance.

(Applause!....Applause!)

Question: Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country?

Ms. Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.

Question: Why do you say that?

Ms. Iran: Because they always enter through the back door....

(Applause!....Applause!)

Question: Miss India, how would you describe male organ in your country?

Ms. India: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a laborer.

Question: Why do you say that?

Ms. India: Because it works day and night....

(Applause!....Applause!)

Question: Ms. Philippines, how would describe a male organ in your country?

Ms. Philippines: Ahh...well, of course, hihihi....I can say that male organs in our country are like Rumors ...

Question: Rumors???

Ms. Philippines: Ayy! Sorry... ...I means GOSSIP.

Question: Hmm...Interesting comparison. And why do you say that?

Ms. Philippines: Ayy... because...I mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth.

(STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

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There were two gay guys living together.

One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his partner.

Finally, his partner said, "Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?"

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Keys to Business Success

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

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"Your honor, " explained the young man, "I'd like to get married, please."

"All right, what is your age?"

"I'm 22, sir."

"And the age of the bride?"

"She's 15, sir."

"15??? That's too young -- marrying you would be against the law!"

"I see, " said the young man. "Could you try explaining that to the fella next to her with the shotgun?"

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Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale."

This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it.

"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Ole Calmly replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."

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Two necrophiles work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one: "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm telling' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle."

"What," the other asks, "green?"

"No, says the first, "sour."

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The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

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A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

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