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Are you online at home or work? Why not get paid at the same time? _________________________________________________________ These are the lyrics I wrote one morning after a night of dealing with the computorially challenged. All of us who have been in the trenches will find this funny. Civilians don't seem to get it (then again, it is about them after all) Sung to the tune of "If I only had a Brain" (from the "Wizard of Oz")
I could set up my computer
I would surf the web in excess
Oh I, could tell you why
Oh I lack the needed IQ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my testicles." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk" Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Priest a Rabbi and a Witchdoctor are sitting together on a train. A fly comes and lands on the priest who waves his arms and shoos it away. So, the fly lands on the Rabbi who shoos it toward the Witchdoctor. The Witchdoctor follows it with his eyes for a moment and suddenly reaches out grabs the fly in his fist and eats it. The other two look on with disgust but say nothing. When another fly comes near the priest he again shoos it away. Once again the fly comes to the Rabbi, who with one quick motion reaches into the air, turns to the witchdoctor and says, "Want to buy a fly?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place. Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross. Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge." The other woman looks around and says, "well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!" The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims, "I just pissed in a canoe!" Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. "Calm down," she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A cowboy rides up to a saloon, goes inside and orders a drink. He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips, when a guy comes running up to the door, and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!" The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks... "Hey, I don't have a house." He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again. Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!" So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks. "Wait a minute, my dad died years ago." He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whis key when another guys runs up. "Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!" The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office. He almost gets there when he thinks, "Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Never...
* accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to subscribe Send an email to unsubscribe.
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