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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man - you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here!"

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A rabbi happened to be looking out of the synagogue's open door when he saw a familiar face. All at once it dawned on him where he had seen the man before.

He rushed out and grabbed the passerby. "Swindler! Thief!" the rabbi hollered. "Only yesterday I saw you begging in front of the Catholic church. Today you're begging at the entrance to a synagogue. What are you, Catholic or Jew?"

"A Jew, " the beggar gulped. "But in these hard times, who can make a living from only one religion?!"

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A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies. "I'm unattached and I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business. I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions, but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie."

At this the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."

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The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted. He turns to the defendant and says, "you are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel"

"Damn tightwad" the same man in the gallery blurted out

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "you are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You jackass!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered back, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?!"

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Some things men can say when getting caught looking at another woman:

- I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

- Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

- I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

- Isn't that the actress from the movie Delicatessen? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her

- I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case

- Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

- Hey that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

- I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here.. maybe it will camouflage your drool).

- I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but it's worth a try).

- Do you think she's prettier than me? (Give her a taste of her own medicine)

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A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

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Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat fishing and Jesus says to Moses "I want to do a miracle so we can feel like the good old days."

Moses says "Yeah sure."

So Jesus gets up and says "I think I'll walk on the water, that was always a good one."

So Jesus walks over to the edge of the boat, steps into the water, and sinks like a stone. Moses drags Jesus back into the boat and revives him.

Moses says "What's the problem?"

Jesus replies, "I don't know, but I think its the holes in my feet!"

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Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything", she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes."

"Tillie," he told me. "I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral'. I made Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for when we began shiva."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'. At that point, Tillie held up her hand and pointed to her ring finger, on which was a ten carat diamond ring. "So", said Tillie, "You like my stone?"

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A man goes into a hamburger stand and orders a burger. The waitress takes out two frozen patties and sticks them under her arms.

The man says "What the hell are you doing?!"

She replies "I'm defrosting them!"

The other guy at the counter says, "In that case, you can cancel my freakin' hotdog!"

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