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Two guys, a white man and a black man, were sitting near a pool, naked. The white guy put his dick into the water and said: "the water has 27 degrees in temperature" The black guy put his dick into the water and said: "the water has 1.40 meters in depth" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Rancher: (Look of extreme shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em ! ! ! !" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down." The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man. The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" "In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else." The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?" The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says, "DiMaggio?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A woman has the last word in any argument. There are 2 times when a man understands a woman - before marriage and after marriage. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 17 Ways To Be A Women 1. When asked "Is something bothering you?" reply "no" then get pissed off when you are believed. 2. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 3. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 4. Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business: i.e. You say "It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend." when you mean "It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend! 5. Whine 6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy. 7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 9. Complain 10. Hate any bar he likes. 11. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything - except when paying for meals, airplane tickets, concerts, beers, clothes, etc. - these are required gifts proving his love. 12. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all the stress of your life. 13. Remember that ANY woman who so much as glimpses at your boyfriend must be labeled a WHORE and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible. 14. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs. 15. Break into tears for no apparent reason, then use number 1. 16. Ask for help in some endeavor then become livid when it is given. 17. Weasel yourself into your boyfriend's group of friends, break up with him, then make sure you are present at every gathering for the next month just to rub it in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee). Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs like beer. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs don't worry about germs. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty. Dogs seldom outlive you.
Both look stupid in hats. Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Both tend to have "hip" problems. Neither understand football. Both look good in a fur coat. Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say. Neither believe that silence is golden. Both constantly want back rubs. Neither can balance a checkbook. You can never tell what either of them is thinking. Both put too much value on kissing.
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman. Women look good in sweaters. Women leave the room to fart. Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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