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Webmasters and mistresses! Got a website? Now promote it, for free! _________________________________________________________ An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife, they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks, "Look! What is that man doing with that Kangaroo?" The man says, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting." Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and husband says, "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel." They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says, "Look we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 STAR hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one leg, ONE WOODEN LEG, masturbating on your steps. Well, what do you have to say about that!?" The manager says, "'Struth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 22 signs you've had too much of the 90's: 22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks. 19. You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off. 18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents. 17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. 16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. 15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical. 14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. 13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. 12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more. 11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits. 10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work. 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. 6. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases. 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors. 4. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock. The #1 sign you've had too much of the 90's: ** You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE 1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper. 2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage." 3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." 5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy." 7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 8. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 9. Ask people what gender they are. 10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he emailed his bachelor friend, "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress." His friend was quick to email back, "Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot. The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that." The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap. "Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This woman was such a fan of the Beatles that she decided to have a tattoo of John Lennon put on the inside of her left thigh, and a tattoo of Paul McCarthy tattooed on the inside of her right side. After the tattoo artist was finished, he wrapped her thighs in bandages since they were quite sore and had to heal. He admonished her to keep the bandages on for a week, and then she could take them off. He guaranteed her that she would be very pleased with his work. A week went by and she finally uncovered the tattoos. She was horrified at the work and thought that neither of the tattoos looked like John Lennon or Paul McCarthy. She went back to the tattoo parlor to complain. She was giving the artist a "what for" and she couldn't be calmed down. Finally, the tattoo artist said, "Wait lady. Don't take my word for it, let's get the opinion of an unbiased 3rd party". She agreed to do just that. Just then a drunk came stumbling down the street and was passing the tattoo parlor door. The artist grabbed him and brought him inside the shop, showed him the tattoo on the lady's left thigh and asked if it looked like John Lennon. The drunk shrugged and said "I don't know." The artist asked him if he thought the tattoo on the inside of the lady's right thigh looked like Paul McCarthy. The drunk again replied "I don't know, but the guy in the middle with the beard and the bad breath MUST be Willie Nelson!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe and Moe went outside to take a leak and Joe confessed, "I wish I had one like my cousin Junior. He needs four fingers to hold his." Moe looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers." "I know," said Joe with a sigh, "but I'm peeing on three of them." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Levin was a notorious tightwad, and alleviated his few twinges of conscience by giving a quarter to the miserable looking woman who sold bagels from a pushcart on the corner by his office. He never bought a bagel, having already breakfasted, but he always put a quarter into her grimy palm and felt himself a virtuous man. This went on for months, until one day the bagel-seller tugged at his immaculate cuff. "Mister, Mister, I gotta tell ya something." "Ah," acknowledged Levin with a gracious smile, "I suppose you wish to know why I give you a quarter every day but never take a bagel?" "Nah, that's yer business," she snorted. "My business is tellin' ya the price's gone up to thirty-five cents." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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