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If you want to be successful with your home business then you need Marketing Tips. _________________________________________________________ Three hunters, a Texan, a Californian and an Coloradan, are gathered around a campfire. The three have been drinking and bragging about the virtues of their home states. Suddenly, the Texan says, "Watch this." He opens a bottle of tequila, takes a swig, tosses it in the air, pulls out a pearl-handled revolver and shoots the bottle cleanly in two. "It's a shame to waste that good liquor," the Californian says. "It's OK," the Texan replies. "Where I come from, we've got plenty of that." Not to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of white zinfandel. He pulls off the cork, takes a drink, throws the bottle in the air, whips out an assault rifle and blasts the bottle, sending shards of glass everywhere. "Shame to waste good wine," the Texan says. "It's OK," the Californian says. "We've got plenty in my state." At this point, the Coloradan stands up. He pulls out a Coors, twists off the cap and guzzles the entire beer. He throws the bottle high in the air, pulls out a shotgun, empties both barrels into the Californian and neatly catches the bottle. The Texan stands in shock. The Coloradan calmly puts the gun down. "It's OK," he says, "We've got plenty of them in my state. Besides, this bottle is worth a nickel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toyota engineers have a way of testing to see if their cars are air-tight. They would put a cat in the car and close it up. They then check the car again in 24 hours. If the cat was dead, it passed the test. Daiwoo heard about this and decided to try it. They put a cat in one of their cars and closed it up. When they checked it again in 24 hours, the cat was gone. Next time they think they will shut the windows too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I just received this status report from the Y-to-K project team: Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this 'Y to K' problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the "Just Married" sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing. He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior: "I know it's none of my business,... but I was wondering why you weren't having sex with your new wife." "Oh, I couldn't do that; she has gonorrhea." "Well, what about anal sex?" "Couldn't do that; she has diarrhea." "There is always oral sex." "Nope, she has pyorrhea." "Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?" "That's easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice. The woman replies, "He's a midget." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ever Wonder Why? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Do fish get cramps after eating? How come abbreviated is such a long word? Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why is there only one Monopolies commission? Why do scientists call it "re"search when looking for something new?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a truck stop with a stunned look on his face. He makes his way to the counter and sits down. The waitress comes over and asks, "Can I help you?" the man just sits there with a blank stare on his face, then he spits and says, "That son of a bitch sure can drive!" Well, the waitress is offended by this and leaves. She comes back about 10 minutes later and asks again, "Can I help you now?" The man replies by spitting and saying, "That son of a bitch sure can drive!" The waitress storms off and gets the manager. The manager comes up to the guy, grabs him by his collar and says, "What seems to be the problem here?" The man spits and says, "That son of a bitch sure can drive!" The manager tells him, "Look, this is a nice, respectable place, maybe if you could explain, who can drive and what you are talking about, I won't have to throw you out." The man looks up at the manager and says, "Well, I was in my 18 wheeler and I had this nineteen ear old green horn kid driving, we were coming down the old mountain road, when I saw this traffic jam down in front of us - so I told the kid, if you can get us out of this alive I'll suck your dick!----- *SPIT*----AND THAT that son of a bitch SURE CAN DRIVE!!!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?" Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!" "I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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