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A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will turn into a princess.' The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.' The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back. The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask.' The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A talking duck waddles into a store and asks the salesguy, "Got any grapes?" "No," answered the guy. The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have any grapes!" The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any grapes?" In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes! You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?" The guy says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready for some wild sex. Give me the best suite in the house!" "Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?" "Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets the hang of it" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 13 Signs Your CAT is Planning to Kill You!
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Poem for Moms and Dads
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray I find a little quiet
I pray for time all to myself
Some silent moments for goodness sake
Yes now I lay me down to sleep, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years! Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue. At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A three year old boy decided he could put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot and the right on the left. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're MY feet!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility Prayer
God, grant me the Senility ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
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