|
|
Brought to you by www.TrekPlanet.com and our sponsor this week :
If you want to be successful with your home business then you need Marketing Tips. _________________________________________________________ Three hunters, a Texan, a Californian and an Coloradan, are gathered around a campfire. The three have been drinking and bragging about the virtues of their home states. Suddenly, the Texan says, "Watch this." He opens a bottle of tequila, takes a swig, tosses it in the air, pulls out a pearl-handled revolver and shoots the bottle cleanly in two. "It's a shame to waste that good liquor," the Californian says. "It's OK," the Texan replies. "Where I come from, we've got plenty of that." Not to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of white zinfandel. He pulls off the cork, takes a drink, throws the bottle in the air, whips out an assault rifle and blasts the bottle, sending shards of glass everywhere. "Shame to waste good wine," the Texan says. "It's OK," the Californian says. "We've got plenty in my state." At this point, the Coloradan stands up. He pulls out a Coors, twists off the cap and guzzles the entire beer. He throws the bottle high in the air, pulls out a shotgun, empties both barrels into the Californian and neatly catches the bottle. The Texan stands in shock. The Coloradan calmly puts the gun down. "It's OK," he says, "We've got plenty of them in my state. Besides, this bottle is worth a nickel." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A talking duck waddles into a store and asks the salesguy, "Got any grapes?" "No," answered the guy. The duck waddles out. A little later it returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I told you fifteen minutes ago--I don't have any grapes!" The duck leaves. Fifteen minutes later he's back again, asking, "Got any grapes?" In a real snit now, the clerk yells, "No I don't have any goddamn grapes! You come back in here again, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" Later that day the duck comes back and asks the guy, "Got any nails?" The guy says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A newlywed couple took a limousine to a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom carried the blushing bride into the hotel lobby and exclaimed to the manager: "Sir, we are ready for some wild sex. Give me the best suite in the house!" "Certainly sir, would you like the bridal?" "Naw that won't be necessary. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets the hang of it" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 13 Signs Your CAT is Planning to Kill You!
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Poem for Moms and Dads
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray I find a little quiet
I pray for time all to myself
Some silent moments for goodness sake
Yes now I lay me down to sleep, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is alive. In fact, she lives for ten more years! Alas, she finally dies and the funeral is again held at the same synagogue. At the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking down the aisle the husband cries out... "Watch out for the wall!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time." "That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A three year old boy decided he could put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot and the right on the left. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're MY feet!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Senility Prayer
God, grant me the Senility ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Send an email to jokeplanet-subscribe@listbot.com to subscribe Send an email to jokeplanet-unsubscribe@listbot.com to unsubscribe.
© 1999
|
