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You love VyVyan don't you? Of course you do. Don't try and deny it otherwise your computer will explode and it'll all be very messy. But what's even more messy is the case of the young man who claimed that VyVyan were his favourite band, but had no merchandise to back up his claim. Naturally everyone assumed he was lying and he was promptly ostracised from popular society. Don't let this happen to you! Instead buy some of this reasonably priced VyVyan tat and only get beaten up by people who hate VyVyan. Of which there are very few.
The VyVyan Clock - Why not start your day the VyVyan way by getting hold of the VyVyan clock. This clock features the disembodied heads of the VyVyan girls at each quarter point, floating in a manner guaranteed to cause nightmares to the small and easily scared. On every hour the clock plays the "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, nah-nah-nah-nah" bit from Going Out incessantly until you go mad. This feature cannot be turned off. Drummer Ruth says "The VyVyan clock always keeps me in time. Now please let me go, my parents are beginning to worry.
Cost - £40 + P&P
The VyVyan Sanitary Towel - Just because it's your "time of the month" doesn't mean that you can't be Going Out with this, the VyVyan sanitary towel. Comes in a packet with the VyVyan logo printed on it, which is the tenuous connection. Is completely guaranteed to hold as much blue water as you can throw at it, although we make no guarantees about it's ability to contain uteral lining. That was far too icky for us to test. Plays the chorus to Teen Energy when damp.
Cost - £5 each, or special offer! 8 for £50
VyVyan Bubble Wrap - Tense? Nervous? Stressed? What you need is some special VyVyan Bubble wrap and then you'll be able to pop it all better. This specially commissioned stress relief device is scientifically proved to release a number of gaseous elements into the atmosphere while making a pleasing noise. Some of you may think we're charging quite a lot for some packaging plastic, but that's because you haven't heard about our special technique to make it even better! We've painted each and every sheet pink so that it's pleasing to look at, which makes the price we're charging a bargain.
Cost - £2.50 a 5cm2 sheet
VyVyan Make-Up - Do you want to pretend to be someone else? Well why not cover yourself in Glitter and Lies with our special make-up. Guaranteed to hide unsightly blemishes as long as you paint it on thick enough, and even better than that, we guarantee that these products have not been tested on animals. In fact, they haven't been tested at all, so, as such, may well be toxic and cause irrepairable facial damage for all we know, and indeed care.
Cost - All the tea in china
Please send no money now as they don't actually exist. They're merely the product of a TV dulled imagination. Please wait upwards of 28 years for delivery. And don't go running to Watchdog when we don't send you anything either. Anne Robinson is no friend of ours. Or, for that matter, anybody's.
