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Hi everybody. My name is Timothy Harold Edward Man and I want to use this website to tell you just how excited I am by VyVyan. They're a band that have got real potential, and I think I'm they guy to help them to achieve them. You see, I run a record company, you've probably heard of it, we're called Stark, Raving, Man and we've been behind some of the big chart successes in recent years, and we think that the girls from VyVyan could be the next to join them.
Some people accuse us of being Svengali's, simply creating bands to try and meet the what we believe that the mass public wants. Nothing could be further from the truth, that's why we're looking at VyVyan 'cause we love their sound as it is. We really believe that with only a few minor (and only a very few) changes we could make them appeal to the 10-16 C2F demographic, and if we can do that they could be as big as Hepburn, maybe even rocket them into the same league as Bananarama.
But it's those changes that you're probably interested in. Don't worry! We're not out to ruin your favourite band. We just want to help everybody else appreciate their genius, and that's why the first thing we're going to change is their name. Face it, VyVyan just has too many syllables in it. Some of the people we're targeting don't even know what a syllable is, let alone how to pronounce it. We also feel that VyVyan doesn't tell anybody anything about what the bands like. All the great pop bands have a clue in their names as to what they're like. Boyzone for example are all boys. The Spice Girls were Girls with Spice, and Steps... well Steps have all the dance steps to learn at home. It's simple really. So we've done some research and found out that the consumers responded best to the name Pop Girls Yeah! so you'd best get used to calling them that from now on.
Now, I know what you're thinking. You don't like the word pop in that name, do you? Hey, don't consider it an insult, all the great bands write pop songs. Look at the Beatles cited as one of the most influential bands of all time (just under Robbie Williams) and they happily called themselves a pop band! And just think about all the units they managed to shift. Mmmmmm... all those lovely, lovely figures. Oh yes... Excuse me for a moment, I just need to ummm... go and do... something. Sorry.
Anyway. As I was saying. All of VyVyans songs are pop-songs deep down inside, we just need to re-arrange them slightly to bring this out a bit more clearly. The first thing we need to do is move away from a live drumming sound. A drum machine can create the rhythyms that people respond to much more accurately and easily than a real life human drummer and clearly if something is made on a machine it's at least ten times better than a human being. It's for this reason that we'll also be getting rid of the live guitars and bass sounds. These would be pushed much further to the background anyway so the instruments would be virtually redundant anyway. Instead all the songs will be performed on a number of synthesisers which can create the sheen required to be a perfect pop song, and they can also do some guitar noises which are almost indistinguishable from the real thing.
Next of course we'll have to change the lyrics. They're all a bit aggressive and not about the sort of thing our target audience can relate to. Songs about going out and getting drunk, boyfriends and self-doubt are not the sort of thing that a 13 year old wants to hear about. Instead the songs will be about Pokemon, the stress of double-maths and how cute that one out of Westlife is. But we'll keep that cover of Mickey though. With the tunes to match we can already picture these songs storming up the hit parade.
With the girls no longer having to worry about playing their instruments, they will instead be able to stand up front and work on some really complicated dance routines with big smiles on their faces no matter what the song is actually about. This will virtually guarantee them a place on Top of the Pops.
As they'll no longer be able to hide behind their instruments, we'll need to take a big long hard look at their image. I don't mean any offence to their fashion sense but not only to they give off a slightly aggressive air, all they seem to be doing is just wearing clothes that they've taken from their wardrobe. This is not what people want to see. They don't want to have to put the effort into trying to find out what sort of personality any member of the band actually have, they want to be able to look quickly at each member, make a snap decision about what they're like and then choose their favourite. This is why we've called in a personal stylist and decided to give each girl a brand new and completely individual look. To help us make these stylistic decision we studied each girl closely to find out what they were like and then completely ignored that and told them to wear what we told them to wear otherwise they wouldn't get the big wodge of cash we dangled at them.
Amanda - The school girl look is always popular amongst men of a certain age, so that's what we've decided Amanda should be wearing. As Britney Spears proved, giving off an image like a paedophiliacs wet dream is a practically sure fire route to chart success. We'll also be expecting Amanda to suck her thumb constantly throughout interviews, hug a teddy bear and occasionally cry for her daddy.
Holly - Everyone loved Diana, Princess of Wales and were all very upset when she died. We hope to re-create this sort of love by turning Holly into the new people's princess by making her wear a long blond wig and posh dresses. She will also be expected to marry an inbred freak, get divorced, and, if we need some publicity for the second album, get killed in a car crash in France.
Ruth - Flowers. Aren't they sweet? Everyone loves them and they brighten up even the dullest corner of your house. So that's going to be Ruth's new look. She'll be required to dye her face yellow, wear a petal collar and a long green dress. We will will also be planting her in a south facing garden were the light should promote healthy growth and keep greenfly away from her.
Hannah - To help the band appeal to a younger audience, we've decided to turn Hannah into a giant My Little Pony. We've had a team of scientists working on creating the human sized plastic mould which she'll be expected not only to work, but to live in. We'll rename her Buttercup, and rather than sing, she'll only neigh. As a horse, this is even better for us as she has no legal right to demand payment. Instead we'll feed her in sugarlumps.
We'll also be adding two male dancers to the line up to provide the girls with someone to fancy. Although they'll be treated as full members of the band, they won't actually do any of the singing, they'll just simply prance around at the back, looking daft. But we will pay them more than the girls for doing it.
And that's it! I hope you like what we've done to your favourite band and consider the changes to be vast improvements. If not then hey! Screw you. What do i care. I'm rolling in cash while I shatter the lives of lots of young good-looking people. Now excuse me as I'm just going to go off and suck Satan's scaly cock while I think of ways to promote my new band who are a little bit like, but not quite the same as Westlife. I've been Timothy Man, I'll see you in your nightmares.
The New VyVyan Line Up
