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The future is, much like Swindon, a strange and evil place, however, it doesn't have to be like that. At the beginning of 1998 Flumcake On-Line produced Future Imperfect a series of stunningly accurate predictions for that year. Or they would have been had not every single one of them turned out to be complete and utter rubbish.
Undeterred by this failure we have decided to use this new dawn of time to make a few more predictions for the next 1000 years, and, as we realise that you may be a bit wary of the truthfulness of these predictions we wish to offer you this guarantee. If, by the end of 1000 years any of them have failed to occur, all readers who read this article within one month of it being put on-line will be able to claim £5 from Killing Lambda Productions. But only by claiming in person. But that's enough of that, lets have a quick look at the future
No-one will claim the £5 on offer in the paragraph above.
February 2000. Depression sets in as everyone realises that despite all the talk in the newspapers about it being a new dawn and exciting and other nonsense, everything is the same as it always was. Except for the fact that it's much easier to make a mistake when filling in cheques than it used to be.
The film 2001 will be shown to be a load of codswallop.
The same goes for 2010.
And 2049 as well while I think about it.
And the less said about Back To The Future Part II the better.
On New Years Eve 2000, everyone will get fed up with all the smug people wandering around saying "This is the real Millennium" and will hit them with big sticks.
Tony Blair will have a child and, if it's a boy it will be called either Yogi or Jesus, and if a girl it'll be called Vohtfer or Posh.
The child will be born not by Caesarean section or by natural childbirth, but will instead simply climb out through Cheri's mouth.
The Labour party will remain in power for the next 100 years, Tony Blair will remain as PM thanks to selling his soul to Peter Mandelson in return for eternal youth. Mandelson in turn used the soul as part repayment to Geoffrey Robinson for his loan.
2019: Channel 5 goes off the air. No one notices.
An energy crisis will occur in the year 2013, all will seem to be doomed until Peter Mandelson proposes using solar power. When advisors point out to him that the British climate is not really suited for Solar power, he announces that he has found out an unlimited source of the suns rays, and proposes setting up Tony Blair with a series of Solar Panelled underwear, on the basis that that is were the sun shines out of.
Solar power experiment will be abandoned after the pant-els become coated in an undisclosed substance, thus limiting their usefulness.
In 2008 digital television will be hailed as the new revolution sweeping the nations homes. It will be announced that the analogue transmitters will be getting switched off soon, so the small minority of homes (only 95%) that have yet to upgrade had better get it done pretty sharpish.
April 25th, 2000. Jarvis Cocker gets fed up waiting for Deborah to show up at the fountain down the road so goes home and looks at some rude magazines instead.
2017, David Bowie achieves a sense of closure after it's officially announced that there is no life on Mars. In celebration of this fact he goes home and writes a noodling symphony based on what he thinks the young people are listening to. No one buys it so the record company releases another best of compilation to get their money back.
2023. The Queen finally dies, leading to much rejoicing throughout the nation and street parties to celebrate. The Queen Mum is reported to be saddened by the event.
Rejoicing turns to despair as it's announced some other daft bugger will become our head of state merely by an accident of birth.
In 2017 digital television will be hailed as the new revolution sweeping the nations homes. It will be announced that the analogue transmitters will be getting switched off soon, so the small minority of homes (only 93%) that have yet to upgrade had better get it done pretty sharpish.
Cerys Matthews will head north and visit Edinburgh, while there she will meet a local poor quality internet based humour writer and will fall madly in love with him. (OK, this is less of a prediction, more of a hope.)
The same goes for Rachel out of S Club 7.
And Eliza from Bellatrix.
2165 and due to overcrowding on the planet earth drastic measures will be taken to ease the strain on our resources. Mainly by firing anyone that the various heads of states don't like the look of into space and letting nature take it's course.
2339 The Dead Sea Scrolls are opened and finally made public. The first one reads "It's all a load of rubbish, hope no-ones wasted too much time on it. Love G". no one is surprised.
2206 The Archbishop of Canterbury announces a change of viewpoint in his Christmas message when he states that "Homosexuality is great fun! I recommend that everyone gives it a shot"
In 2137 digital television will be hailed as the new revolution sweeping the nations homes. It will be announced that the analogue transmitters will be getting switched off soon, so the small minority of homes (only 92.5%) that have yet to upgrade had better get it done pretty sharpish.
2564. Brown is hailed as the new black.
2166 All the people that were sent into space come back down as mindless zombies intent on causing revenge. They wander round the world attacking people, dribbling and making strange groaning noises. Everyone ignores it, merely thinking the Spice Girls are attempting a comeback.
No-one notices that this is the second time I've used that joke.
January 2005, Oasis announce that their next album will feature a completely different new sound and will surprise and shock many people.
June 2005, new Oasis album sounds identical to old one.
In 2376 digital television will be hailed as the new revolution sweeping the nations homes. It will be announced that the analogue transmitters will be getting switched off soon, so the small minority of homes (only 92.4%) that have yet to upgrade had better get it done pretty sharpish.
2716: Silver suits and floating cars have still failed to become a common sight on the streets of the country.
2056. Flumcake On-Line gets its second update of the new Millennium. New article contains joke about the Spice Girls.
2734, aliens finally make contact with planet earth. The ask to borrow a cup of sugar. Mankind refuses on the basis that it rots your teeth and a full scale war breaks out.
2610. Having hair so healthy it shines becomes the most important thing that people look for in the opposite sex.
2486. Absolutely nothing happens this year and everyone stays in bed.
In 2581 digital television will be hailed as the new revolution sweeping the nations homes. It will be announced that the analogue transmitters will be getting switched off soon, so the small minority of homes (only 92.39%) that have yet to upgrade had better get it done pretty sharpish.
2517: A Starfleet academy is set up in America. This initially gets a lot of media attention until everyone realises what a sad idea it is and hits the people involved with big sticks.
2416: The Millennium Dome finally makes enough money to break even. This is thanks to it being converted into a brothel in 2410.
2098: for the first time in its history ITV makes a TV programme worth watching. It's beaten in the ratings by Eastenders.
New Years Eve 2999. Everyone in the world celebrates the beginning of the Fourth millennium, no pedants complain about it not starting until next year as all the people that were complaining about it this millennium were all far too sad to actually form any sort of meaningful relationship with the opposite sex.
January 3000: Everyone gets all excited about it being the future and a new dawn. Or, at least they would if it wasn't for the fact they were all in bed with hangovers.
