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William Hague today attempted to speak out to the voters by offering them all that they ever desired. In a desperate attempt to try and get anyone to even think vaguely about voting for him Hague simply reeled off a torrent of shite which he had no way of fulfilling in the vain hope that someone might be listening.
"Lower taxes, higher spending, better schools, low class sizes, shorter waiting lists, lower crime, keep the pound, kick out asylum seekers, lower petrol, higher pensions" he said.
Warming to his theme he continued:- "Help for farmers, no to Europe, Coronation Street 7 nights a week, everyone guaranteed a shot on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, wigs for all, death to Carol Vorderman, cheap beer, free drugs, did you hear me everyone? I said FREE DRUGS."
At this point he paused not only for breath but to let the full idiocy of what he said sink into the shocked crowd. He then carried on, "sex with my wife for anyone that wants it, sex with Anne Widdicombe for anyone that wants it. Tickets to a show of your choice in Broadway, buy one, get one free offer on all Mars Bars, please love me, I love you, the Beatles will reform, Westlife will split up, TV will get better, summers will be longer, spangles will be back in the shops again, it'll be a brand new summer of love, all this will come true if you vote for us", and with that he left the podium, leaving a bemused audience in his wake.
Observers believe that his apparent "Promise the Earth" policy is being used as there is no likelihood of them even so much as getting a sniff of being elected so they can say whatever the hell they like, it doesn't matter. Others believe that this is simply a smokescreen to hide their real policy, the so called "Fuck up the country even worse that we did last time" Manifesto. Although the majority believe that Hague is simply an idiot.
When asked for his opinion Michael Portillo simply smiled wickedly and said "It's all for the greater good. Specifically mine."
