Election Timetable

Here at Flumcake On-Line we're more than happy to provide our readers with the best way of avoiding all the rather dull and boring rigmarole that will be involved in the general election. To this end we have prepared a timetable of all the interesting events that will be happening during the next month. Simply print out, keep and ignore all media coverage except for the days mentioned. It's the only way to avoid chronic narcolepsy and that's a fact that's been approved by the British Medical Council(*).

Tuesday 8 May

General Election Called

Ummm... you already know about this. That's why you're here. Idiot. Don't go wasting my time. Why not try and learn something useful from this page. I'm not doing it for the good of my health you know

Wednesday 9 May
Last Prime Ministers Questions Before Polling Day
In which the essense of every answer he gives will be "Please vote for us, we're great", and which the essense of every question will be "Don't vote for them, they're rubbish". Ah, the cut and thrust of intelligent political debate.

Monday 14 May
Dissolution of Parliament
659 MP's are going to leave Westminister to desperately try and get every single vote they can in a bid to keep their jobs. They will be pleading, begging desperately offering you anything, even their own bodies in a bid to get you to put a cross next to their name on June 7. Wouldn't it be great if everyone's job was like this? Having to convince our local peers that we were the best receptionist, the best administrator, best little whorehouse in texas just so that we could keep our jobs. No? Never mind then.

Campaign Week 1
From Here on in it's a Riot
Much like a first date, things here won't be rushed. The public will be lured in slowly with promises of good things by all the parties. You will be softly wooed with promises of days of wine and roses that will be ahead, if only you give them that one thing that they won't. You'll almost forget that there's a campaign on. Very few sly digs will be made towards the others who may be tryig to woo your attention. "Forget them", they'll say, "They only want you for one thing. We love you as a person". But it's all lies of course, next thing you know you'll find yourself feeling all dirty and used. You'll feel angry and you'll want revenge, the next thing you'll knwo you'll findn yourself standin over their bloodied body, a half brick in your hand, but the courts won;t understand. She was asking for it... Ummm, sorry, distracted slightly there. Lets move on.

Campaign week 2
Summer Sun, Somethings Begun
Things will begin to hot up now. In the analogy of the above, the politicians will let you see them in their underwear. They'll begin to comment upon the others lack of physique, while happily ignoring their own failings. In a world without analogies, what will happen is that Tony Blair will bang on about all the good things that Labour have done. William Hague will bang on about Asylum Seekers and nothing else. Charles Kennedy will simply turn up and look confused. And why not.

Campaign Week 3
You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Party
Gloves are off now. Or, at least they are as far as Hague is concerned, Blair simply looks around the country, realising that his poll lead is enough to avoid him actually doing any campaigning and so instead, spends his days reclining in a silken throne while hand-maidens who have had plastic usrgery to make them resemble Margaret Thatcher feed him peeled grapes and offer him hand relief at any oppourtunity.

Hague meanwhile decides to give up on verbal attacking of asylum seekers and instead resorts to physically attacking one. After this heinous attacks the Conservatives go up two points in the polls and the Daily Star newspaper gives the Tories their full support.

Kennedy meanwhile visits Southend upon Sea and has a shot on the walzers. "Wheeeeee", he offers as a quote to passers-by, none of whom are actually journalists.

Camapign Final Week
And Now The End Is Near
The outcome of the election by now will be pretty much inevitable (because of course it all hangs in the balance right now) and Tony Blair will place an order for 55 million Union Jacks (or Union Tonys as they will be known as his smiling visage will be placed in the centre of all of them) to be distributed around the country and waved once he returns to Number Ten. Those that don't wave joyously will be punished by death.

Hague meanwhile has turned into a mad gibbering wreck. Desperately using any tactic to try and get at least one vote, he is caught going round every household in Britain offering a fiver to people if they vote for him. After insisting that he should be Prime Minister as he's "the best, better than all the rest, especially that tosser Blair" he is finally carted off to a mental hospital, much to the relief of the rest of the country.

Charles Kennedy? Nope, doesn't ring any bells. Who did you say he was again?

Thursday 7 June
Election Day
After a full day of voting, the Conservatives win by a landslide. Tony Blair is humiliated and David Icke reveals him to be another of the 12ft blood sucking lizards. And then William Hague wakes up. In the real world Labour win again and we have to endure his smug face as the image of the leader of our country, thus causing massive international embarrassment. Charles Kennedy forgets all about the election and goes on a skiing holiday instead.

Wednesday 13 June
Anarchy in the UK
Tony Blair renames Britain Blairtain. His title is changed to Lord high Keeper of the Galaxy. Resistance is futile. You will obey.

*(Not approved by the British Medical Council in any real, actual, or legally binding kind of way. Nor is it, according to the dictionary at any rate, a fact)Back

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Tuesday 8 May	General Election Called Ummm... you already know about this. That's why you're here. Idiot. Don't go wasting my time. Why not try and learn something useful from this page. I'm not doing it for the good of my health you know
Wednesday 9 May	Last Prime Ministers Questions Before Polling Day In which the essense of every answer he gives will be "Please vote for us, we're great", and which the essense of every question will be "Don't vote for them, they're rubbish". Ah, the cut and thrust of intelligent political debate.
Monday 14 May	Dissolution of Parliament 659 MP's are going to leave Westminister to desperately try and get every single vote they can in a bid to keep their jobs. They will be pleading, begging desperately offering you anything, even their own bodies in a bid to get you to put a cross next to their name on June 7. Wouldn't it be great if everyone's job was like this? Having to convince our local peers that we were the best receptionist, the best administrator, best little whorehouse in texas just so that we could keep our jobs. No? Never mind then.
Campaign Week 1	From Here on in it's a Riot Much like a first date, things here won't be rushed. The public will be lured in slowly with promises of good things by all the parties. You will be softly wooed with promises of days of wine and roses that will be ahead, if only you give them that one thing that they won't. You'll almost forget that there's a campaign on. Very few sly digs will be made towards the others who may be tryig to woo your attention. "Forget them", they'll say, "They only want you for one thing. We love you as a person". But it's all lies of course, next thing you know you'll find yourself feeling all dirty and used. You'll feel angry and you'll want revenge, the next thing you'll knwo you'll findn yourself standin over their bloodied body, a half brick in your hand, but the courts won;t understand. She was asking for it... Ummm, sorry, distracted slightly there. Lets move on.
Campaign week 2	Summer Sun, Somethings Begun Things will begin to hot up now. In the analogy of the above, the politicians will let you see them in their underwear. They'll begin to comment upon the others lack of physique, while happily ignoring their own failings. In a world without analogies, what will happen is that Tony Blair will bang on about all the good things that Labour have done. William Hague will bang on about Asylum Seekers and nothing else. Charles Kennedy will simply turn up and look confused. And why not.
Campaign Week 3	You Gotta Fight For Your Right to Party Gloves are off now. Or, at least they are as far as Hague is concerned, Blair simply looks around the country, realising that his poll lead is enough to avoid him actually doing any campaigning and so instead, spends his days reclining in a silken throne while hand-maidens who have had plastic usrgery to make them resemble Margaret Thatcher feed him peeled grapes and offer him hand relief at any oppourtunity. Hague meanwhile decides to give up on verbal attacking of asylum seekers and instead resorts to physically attacking one. After this heinous attacks the Conservatives go up two points in the polls and the Daily Star newspaper gives the Tories their full support. Kennedy meanwhile visits Southend upon Sea and has a shot on the walzers. "Wheeeeee", he offers as a quote to passers-by, none of whom are actually journalists.
Camapign Final Week	And Now The End Is Near The outcome of the election by now will be pretty much inevitable (because of course it all hangs in the balance right now) and Tony Blair will place an order for 55 million Union Jacks (or Union Tonys as they will be known as his smiling visage will be placed in the centre of all of them) to be distributed around the country and waved once he returns to Number Ten. Those that don't wave joyously will be punished by death. Hague meanwhile has turned into a mad gibbering wreck. Desperately using any tactic to try and get at least one vote, he is caught going round every household in Britain offering a fiver to people if they vote for him. After insisting that he should be Prime Minister as he's "the best, better than all the rest, especially that tosser Blair" he is finally carted off to a mental hospital, much to the relief of the rest of the country. Charles Kennedy? Nope, doesn't ring any bells. Who did you say he was again?
Thursday 7 June	Election Day After a full day of voting, the Conservatives win by a landslide. Tony Blair is humiliated and David Icke reveals him to be another of the 12ft blood sucking lizards. And then William Hague wakes up. In the real world Labour win again and we have to endure his smug face as the image of the leader of our country, thus causing massive international embarrassment. Charles Kennedy forgets all about the election and goes on a skiing holiday instead.
Wednesday 13 June	Anarchy in the UK Tony Blair renames Britain Blairtain. His title is changed to Lord high Keeper of the Galaxy. Resistance is futile. You will obey.