Here jokes that are somewhat rude but of course funny. Materials written aren't made to offend anybody. It's just for pure fun and laughs, nothing bad attached to it. Please read on and enjoy! I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.
One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0.
Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try.
On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.
Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.
Anybody out there able to offer technical advice.......?
Dad???
A young punker gets on a cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple, and of course orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.
Finally the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart....didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."
Skinny Dipping
One day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked.
The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to
stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Name
This lovely little girl was entering class for the first time.
A friendly little boy said, "My name is David, what's yours?"
"Happy Butt." she says.
"Don't lie to me, that isn't your name! What is your name?"
"Happy Butt." she says again.
I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!" he shouts.
He gets the teacher and says she is lying to him about her name
"What is your name?" asks the teacher.
"Happy Butt." says the little girl.
No, no!" says the teacher. "What is your real name?"
"Happy Butt." replies the little girl.
Shame on you for lying." says the teacher. "You go straight to the principal's office right this minute!"
"Why are you here?" asks the principal of the little girl.
They think I'm lying when I tell them my name is Happy Butt." said the little girl.
"Your name can't be Happy Butt." says the principal. "I'm going to call your mother right this minute and straighten this out. You mustn't lie to us about you're name."
The principal calls the mother and says, "We have your little girl here and she keeps telling us her name is 'Happy Butt.'
"Oh, that must be Gladys." says the mother.
"Well, little girl, your mother says your name is Gladys." says the principal.
Smokes In The Rain
Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.
. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.
The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"
Half and Double
A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much.
"How about $1,000,000?" he asked.
"Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well,"said the genie.
"I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?"
"Your wife now has two of those cars."
For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?"
25 Year Old Breast
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."
The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Iron
A blonde with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -- but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. What happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."
First Wedding
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
Barracks Door
Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Smith, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?"
She was quite witty. "Why, no, Mr. Smith" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."
The Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."
Where Are We
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
Funny Label Instructions
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!)
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . .)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)
16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey Mom we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)
17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison control." (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids.... Aww you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)
Married Women Vs. Single Women
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed, whereas married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge!
Wives Vs. Husbands
This woman at a party walked up to this man and told him, "If you were my husband I would poison your drink," and the man says, "If you were my wife I would drink it."
The Medical Term
A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
>"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Surrogate Father
The Smith's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a proxy or surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off." The man should be here soon. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ...."gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four or five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother constantly squealing and yelling-I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward, "You mean they actually chewed on your, um....
equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh, yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold.... and it is very long. Madam? Ma'am?
