This is Page 4 of cute jokes for your reading pleasure. Materials written aren't made to offend anyone. It's for pure laughs and fun only, nothing bad attached to it. So please read on and enjoy. I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Tommy," replied the second.
"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.
Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Billy.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.
Four by Twos
A couple of idiots drove their pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One saunters into the office and said, "Howdy. We need us some of them four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The bubba says, "Maybe right. Hold on. I'll go check," and headed out went back to the truck.
A minute or so later he ambles back in and says, "Yep. That's it, I meant two-by-fours."
"Fine... How long do you need them?"
The bubba paused for a minute, scrached his beard, then said, " Well now I'd better go check."
After awhile, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. Ya see, we're gonna build us a house."
Dress Code
The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.
Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.
She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her.
However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly.
She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, .... "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"
The 2 Carrot
Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck slammed into one of them.
An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the hospital where he
immediately went into hours of surgery.
Finally the doctor emerged and approached the other carrot who had been anxiously awaiting in the waiting room.
"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"
The doctor replied, "He's going to live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Who's Stupid?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
$ 100
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
Sliding Down
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
Long Illness
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Cowboy In Chruch
One Sunday a cowboy went to church.
When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.
The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
Memory
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."
Bragging
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Chicagoan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Chicagoan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Married Names
What would happen if two people with conflicting names got married?
What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho? Bo Ho.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.("Going up?")
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.("Ouch!")
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.("Double Ouch!")
If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
("This marriage wouldn't last!")
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
("He he")
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.("Sing along!")
Amazing Facts Between LINCOLN / KENNEDY Presidencies!
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their full names. Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And, the most recent fact noted ... A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Are You An Internet Addcit? Here are the facts...
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very disappointed to find that it's on TV.
If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate WWW addresses.
When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
When you start using phrases like: Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home.com.
If you can type your top 10 favorite Web sites, by heart.
If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're exceeding 300 hours a month connect time.
When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer peripherals.
If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com." All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Your cat has its own home page.
You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
Your bookmarks take 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "undo" button.
A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy --- for a year!!!!!
You forgot how to work the TV remote control.
You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
Tech support calls YOU for help.
You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You say......."Where did the time go??"
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this.... "BRB. Leave your S/N and I'll TTYL...ASAP".
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.
The only jokes you receive are through email.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be temI pted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
