This is Page 3 of cute jokes for your reading pleasure. Materials written aren't made to offend anyone. It's for pure laughs and fun only, nothing bad attached to it. So please read on and enjoy. I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
Wife slapped husband: You talk in your sleep last night. Whos' Mila?
Husband: She is the horse I bet on at a track.
Next Day the wife slapped him again.
Husband: What's that for?
Wife: Your horse called!
The Trip To Paris
Husband: Great news, darling. I've finally saved enough money for us to go
to Paris this year.
Wife: How wonderful! When are we leaving?
Husband: As soon as I've saved enough money for the return trip.
The Letter
Al: Hey, Cal! What are you doing?
Cal: I'm writing a letter to myself.
Al: Well, what does it say?
Cal: How should I know? I haven't read it yet.
Dependent
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed.
"Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent."
Thermodynamics of Hell
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students.
It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know them rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increases exponentially.
Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume in Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Therese Banyan during my freshman year that, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I go bowling with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only "A".
Life, why it is.. what it is.
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass, lack intelligence and you will live for 50years."
The mule answered: "To live like that for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."
And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."
And God made it so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog did not want, and the ten years the monkey rejected."
And it was so.
So God made man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
Oreo Test
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities.
Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing.
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be
with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time.
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and Methodical.
You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail withevery thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverous Nibbles.
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked.
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie.
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie.
You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help -immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies.
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road? The entries are replies of noteworthy personalities to the classic question.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads
Bill Clinton: I don't recall. Altough : I did not, repeat, did not, have sexual relations with the chicken.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets
1.4999999999.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Capt. James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Charles Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.
Colonel Sanders: You mean one of them got away?
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Kindergarten teacher: To get to the other side.
L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Plato: For the greater good.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Here are some Filipino Personalities....
Erap: Ang media ang may kasalanan diyan!
Miriam Defensor-Santiago: Aha! I knew it! That chicken crossed the road to provoke me. I move to permanently hold in contempt that chicken. I request a restraining order, Your Honor, so that the chicken would not be able to cross the road again!
Ramon Revilla: "I concur, Your Honor. You see, may timbangan ako ng manok sa bahay. Doon ko nga nalaman na 96 grams ang 1,000 na bills ng P1,000 to make P1 million. See 96 grams, 96 grams talaga! Malapit 'yun sa isang kilo...eh sa 96 grams talaga eh...Pero huwag nyo akong tanungin kung ilang kilo ang manok na nag-cross ng road. Eh, di ko nakilo eh. I guess, takot siyang pakilo. Baka kulang siya ng 96 grams. In short, kulang siya ng isang kilo."
Emma Lim: Para po uminom ng iced tea, Your Honor!
Chavit Singson: Eh, nililito nyo lang po ako, Your Honor. Di ko alam kung bakit nag-cross 'yun ng road. Wala naman sa ledger ko kung bakit. Nililito nyo lang po ako. Nililito nyo lang po talaga ako.
Clarissa Ocampo: It crossed the road to go to the office of, I am sorry, Mr. Estelito Mendoza.
Estelito Mendoza: Whether I will quit as a defense lawyer of the President or not shall depend upon the decision of the President himself, not the crossing of the road by the chicken.
Raul Roco: It is a noble profession to be a chicken and to cross that road!
Chief Justice Hilario Davide: Unless there is an objection, the chicken can cross that road.
Dead Horse
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?
Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at
an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
did for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years,....
he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today!
