This is Page 2 of cute jokes for your reading pleasure. Materials written aren't made to offend anyone. It's for pure laughs and fun only, nothing bad attached to it. So please read on and enjoy. I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
Here's a little clarification of typical corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day./FONT>
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.
Ironic
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fries, and a diet coke...
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first...
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Senility Prayer
God grant me the Senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune
to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.
If you can...
--- start your day without caffeine
--- get going without pep pills
--- always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains
--- resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
--- eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
--- understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time
--- forgive a friend's lack of consideration
--- overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no
fault of your own, something goes wrong
--- take criticism and blame without resentment
--- ignore a friend's limited education and never correct them
--- resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend
--- face the world without lies and deceit
--- conquer tension without medical help
--- relax without liquor
--- sleep without the aid of drugs
--- honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed or color, religion or politics
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
Three Girls
Three girls were stranded on an uninhabited island.
One was blonde, one a red-head, and the other a brunette.
The only way back home was to swim 100 miles to the next island, which was inhabited.
The brunette was so determined to get home that she tried to swim. She made it 50 miles,
got tired, and drowned.
Then the red-head tried. She made it 75 miles, but got tired and drowned, too.
The blonde thought she could make it all the way, so she started swimming. She swam 50 miles, but started getting tired, so she swam all the way back to the island.
True Story
My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady. Always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down she felt that she was being to forward. So she started all over, rewrote the whole entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.. "Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.
Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and he couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to
several campers, but no one could figure out what she meant either.
So the campground owner , finally coming to the conclusion that the lady was talking about the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:
"Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that the B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is
quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt that a great number of people take their lunches and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. I you don't start early you might not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we get older particularly in cold weather, it gets harder to go. If you decide to come down o our campground, perhaps I could go with you for the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks.
"Remember, this is a friendly community!"
What's The Difference Between ...
1. A cat and a comma ?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of clause.
2. An elephant and peanut butter?
An elephant doesn't stick to the roof of your mouth.
3. A baker and a heavy sleeper?
A baker bakes the bread and the later breaks the bed.
4. A leaky boat and a car with two broken headlights?
The boat can't go to sea and the car can't see to go.
5. A Racer and a locomotive engineer?
The racer is trained to run and the other runs a train.
The Duck
A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks the Pharmacist if he has any corn.
The Pharmacists replies "NO! I don't have any corn!"
So the duck leaves.
The following day the duck returns to the pharmacy and it's the same pharmacist
working. The duck once again asks "Do you have any corn?".
The pharmacist reply's "Say, I told you yesterday that I don't have any corn! If you come
back in here and ask again I'll nail your bill to the floor.
So the duck leaves, only to return once again on the following day.
Noticing that the same pharmacist is working, the duck approaches cautiously and, before the pharmacist has a chance to say a word asks, "Do ya have any nails?".
The pharmacist, quite red in the face at seeing this pest for the third
straight day, yells back "No! I don't have any nails!"
So the duck asks, "Do ya have any corn?!"
A TRUE FRIEND?
Two close friends were trekking through the mountains and hills. Suddenly they were chased by a big, ferocious bear. The bear was gaining on them.
The man running second place abruptly stopped and sat down on a log. The leader stopped and asked: "What is the matter?"
The other man replied: "Nothing, I'm just changing to my running shoes." The leader said: "You're crazy, there is no way you're going to out run that bear!"
The other man stood up and shouted: "I don't have to out run him, I just have to out run you!!"
He Or She?
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.
To solve his dilemma, he found two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be referred to as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Careful What You Wish For
There's 3 guys and they're out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid, who begs to be set free in return for granting them a wish.
One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says "OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q." The mermaid says: "Done!"
Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple my I.Q.!" The mermaid says, "Done!"
The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields--physics, chemistry, etc.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid, "OK, quintuple my I.Q
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."
The guy says, "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times 5, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free!"
"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't know what you're asking...it'll
change you ask for something else..a million dollars, anything?"
But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q.increased by 5 times its usual power.
Then the mermaid said, "Well, OK." So she turned him into a woman.
New Viruses
Please check your computer for the following viruses:
LEWINSKY VIRUS
sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
quits after one byte.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS
deletes all old files.
TITANIC VIRUS
your whole computer goes down.
DISNEY VIRUS
everything in your computer goes goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS
screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS
only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.
VIAGRA VIRUS
turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
