Here are cute jokes for your reading pleasure. Materials written aren't made to offend anyone. It's for pure laughs and fun only, nothing bad attached to it. So please read on and enjoy. I will advice you to check out the main page The Gracer Page (Main) because *ALL* the sections/ categories of the entire site is listed there. You would also find the list of updated/new pages.
Recently an Engineer, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the Engineer and asked "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him decided to make the question a little harder "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him the trash man had just seen the movie. "1228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
The Gorilla
Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo Jon was the first one
there. On arrival he was told that the gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.
Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining
visitors, lying about in the sun.... Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely and ran to the fence and screamed for help.
Then as he turned back to face the lions one said, "If you don't stop screaming
and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"
A Businessman's Email
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer
Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day.
The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Bits &Bytes
I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do
mouse-to-mouse?"
While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his
ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly
she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
A couple of years ago, I helped a friend buy a computer because he said I
was the only "computer friend" he had. Recently he decided to buy a more powerful computer and again asked my advice. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't kept up with computers much since your last purchase." "Great," he said "Not only do I have to upgrade my computer, I have to upgrade my computer friend too."
When my printer's type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me, I might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job myself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
When my son Jared began spending lots of time in the Internet chat rooms,I
worried that his grades would suffer. I made him promise to do schoolwork until I returned home at 5p.m. One day at 4:30 I decided to check up on him. Using my office computer, I went on-line and entered his favorite chat room. To my dismay I saw Jared's name among the list of current participants and immediately decided to teach him a lesson in front of his cyber friends. "Jared," I typed, "this is your mother,and you are grounded for two weeks!" "Hi, Mrs. Beyeler," came a reply. "This is David. Jared's doing homework
right now, and he said I could use his computer. But I'll be sure to let him know that he's been grounded."
A Job
One day this guy went to a store to get a job. He wanted an easy but good paying job. He spoke with the manager, who replied, "Okay, but only if you promise to be nice to the people." The man agreed and got the job.
His first customer came in and asked, "How much are these?", to which the man replied "I don't know," and the customer walked out. The manager walked in and said "You're supposed to say 'Fifty Cents!'"
The next customer came in and asked, "How much are these?" "Fifty cents!"
"Are they fresh?" "I don't know." The manager came back in and said, "You're supposed to say, 'Fresh, very fresh!'"
The next man who came in asked, "How much are these?" "Fifty cents!" "Are they fresh?" "Fresh, very fresh!" "Should I buy them?" "I don't know." The manager comes in and says, "You're supposed to say, 'If you want to!'"
A robber then came in and asked, "How much is in the cash register?" "Fifty cents!"
"Are you getting fresh with me?" "Fresh, very fresh!" "Should I shoot you?" "If you want to!"
A Very Swede Chinaman
A guy is walking through China Town in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking
around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The old man says, "Is name of owner."
The visitor asks, "Who in the heck is the owner?"
"I am he," answers the old man.
"You? How in the world did you ever get a name like Hans Olafsen?"
The old man replies, "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede.
Lady look at him and say, 'What your name?' and he say, 'Hans Olafsen.'
Next, she look at me, 'What your name?' I say, 'Saim Ting.'"
Flowers
A business was moving into bigger quarters and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'
10 Ways To Know If U're A Computer Buff
1. You think of Windows 95/98 when you see a cloudy sky.
2. Gazing down from an airplane, you think the earth looks very much like the motherboard.
3. You think of sleep as 'shut down' to your mind.
4. You are a good netizen: well versed with netiquette.
5. You think of the restroom as a place for your 'downloads'.
6. You wish there were more flexible 'undos' in your life.
7. Things like your pencils, pen, lead, erasers, and batteries for your TV remote control now last for months.
8. You'd rather watch VCDs and listen to mp3s using the computer.
9. You get depressed when your computer 'breaks down'.
and the Number 1 Sign .....
10. You're reading THIS, aren't you?
Getting Old
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on
his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
The New Guy
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my
employees by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
Hearing Loss
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him."How bad is it?",the doctor asks.
"I have no idea," replies the husband.
"Well," starts the doctor, "please test her. Say something twenty feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say something until she does. That way we'll have an idea of her range of hearing loss."
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping vegetables for
dinner. From twenty feet he asks, "What's for dinner?"
No answer.
From ten feet, same thing. From five feet, same again.
Finally he's standing right behind her."What's for dinner?"
She turns around, looks at him and says, "For the fourth time, beef stew!"
The Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
Going Too Fast
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going
well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
The Defense Rests
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
