Saturday 9th December 2000
Nuffin the Hamster on Thursday's Florida Supreme Court hearing
Florida (THURSDAY) - 'You have five minutes' the leading
judge said to the lawyer stood in front of him 'to present the case for the
plaintiff'
Mr Boyd shuffled the papers uneasily on the
lectern and eyed each of the members of the panel who stared at him
expectantly.
'My name is Mr Boyd' he began 'and I will be
presenting the case for the plaintiff...'
Before he had a moment to continue, one of the
judges asked 'Would you tell the court, Mr Boyd, how the price of cheese bears
down on this case?'
He looked surprised, the camera capturing the
element of shock that was plain for all the viewers to see and he replied 'I see
no reason to burden the court with such minor details. Now, if I may bring to
your judges' attention...'
'But it's extremely important' another judge chimed
in 'and we need to know whether there's provision in statute 118 for the price
to be raised or lowered dependent upon the recounting of the ballots
manually'
Mr Boyd scratched his head in bewilderment and
began flicking through the papers on the lectern trying to find how cheese could
be brought into the context of his client's appeal. It wasn't an easy thing to
do - he'd been working on this brief to present the need for a recount and
hadn't given much attention to the interrelation of cheese with it.
'Or perhaps' another judge added 'you could widen
the answer to include all types of dairy products'
'I think, your honour, it's best if I say that
there were no cheese associations with the ballot that we are aware of. Now, if
I may proceed to my two points in support of manual...'
'Not so fast' another interrupted 'we haven't yet
dealt with yoghurt. Were there any clear indications that yoghurt had been
implicated in the pregnant chads?'
'I really don't see the relevancy...'
'Please, Mr Boyd, answer the question. We have our
own reasons for needing to know this information'
Again the lawyer scratched his head and looked
over his shoulder to his aides who sat directly behind him trying to offer
support. At a prearranged signal, one got to his feet and whispered into Mr
Boyd's ear, the lawyer nodding his understanding all the time.
'I think, your honour, that only four ballots were
thought to have had yoghurt spilt on them, and that in only one of these cases,
the intention of the voter could not be accurately determined' He paused and
looked quickly round at the panel of judges 'Now, if I may return to my
two...'
'Why wasn't this brought to the attention of the
Court in the first hearing, Mr Boyd?'
'I...er...we didn't think it was relevant to the
case, your honour'
The judges looked at one another with concern as
Mr Boyd continued:
'The two main points in support of my client's
appeal are...'
'That will be all, Mr Boyd' the leading judge said
'Your five minutes is up. We will recess to consider the case...'
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
