Saturday 2nd December 2000
Nuffin the Hamster on a covertly recorded cassette
Florida (WEDNESDAY) - There was the screech of brakes that
brought me to my senses as a simple sealed brown envelope was thrown through the
bars of my cage, hitting the wood-shavings and scattering piles of dust onto the
living room carpet. Why was it that I always got the blame for ‘burrowing’ when
it was normally just such an anonymous tip off that made the mess?
I blearily wiped the sleep from my eyes, gnawed
open the package and retrieved a mini-cassette on which there were no markings.
I slipped it into my machine and clicked on the play button.
There was a whirr and hiss as the tape slid passed
the safety feed-in, a crackle and the banging of what sounded like a microphone
being positioned, the first words I heard being ‘...and Bush is a loser’
followed by a hasty switching off and a silence.
A couple of seconds passed before the machine
sprang to life once more with the voice of...well, it sounded like the Vice
President but how could I be so sure? There were a great many impersonators that
could’ve had me easily fooled. I decided to judge it on its merits to see if it
was the sort of thing you’d expect him to say.
‘...and why can’t I use that speech?’ the voice
said.
There was a short pause before what I presumed was
an advisor answered ‘Don’t you think that “Texan alcoholic hillbilly” is just a
little too strong a description?’
‘You’re saying that's a wrong
description?’
‘No, that’s not what I said, sir - I just think
that it would be best to err on the side of caution and refer to him as “George
W Bush”. You may gain more support that way’
I heard the sound of a biro scratching something
out on a sheet of paper and new words being written in - that was the advantage
of not having too good eyesight, your hearing became more acute.
‘And what was wrong with the second paragraph?’
the Gore voice sounded offended.
‘I really feel, sir, that you should let us handle
the PR speeches - we’ve had years of training at them and, if it hadn’t been for
us, Nixon might have been apprehended far sooner. It was the bit from “The
illiterate masses of Miami-Dade County” to that bit where you talk about
“numskulls who couldn’t organise a count in Transylvania”. Very witty, sir, I
must say - but just a tad aggressive’
‘You mean the whole paragraph? The entire section is
problematical?’
There was another brief pause as I imagined the
advisor trying to choose his words carefully. The problem wasn’t so much, it
appeared to me, that what the Gore-voice wanted to say was so wrong - in a very
real sense it was incredibly accurate - it was just that, if you wanted the
population to stream to your side, it was best to phrase the facts in a way that
built them up, not tore them into little strips.
‘For “illiterate masses”, it would be best to use
“disenfranchised electorate”...’ said one.
‘...and for that saying about the numskulls’
another continued ‘it’s best to say something like “the time framework did not
offer itself to a validation of every vote cast”. That way, they won’t think
you’re attacking the counters as such’
There was another scraping and scratching at
paper, a few half-spoken words spoken in a whisper which I couldn’t catch (and
was thankful that I couldn’t) and a ripping sound that I presumed to be the
removal of an entire section of the speech.
‘And what else?’ said the Gore-voice.
There was another pause.
‘I think we’d settle for a change of that last
line, sir - that’s about all’
The Gore voice sounded angry ‘But that’s the best
line of it all?! Are you sure that’s a problem? Here, let me read it out with
the correct inclination of the head and you’ll see how good it is’
There was a coughing and breathing deeply as the
Gore-voice prepared to deliver that line in the context of the correct facial
expression and presence of sincerity. He allowed the room to fall into silence
before he spoke once more:
‘This is my election and I wanna be President. And
if you don’t let me be top dog, I’m gonna scream and scream and scream until I’m
sick’. He paused ‘Now what’s wrong with that?’
‘The facial expressions were excellent, sir. Very
well done. But something which demonstrated humility rather than your commitment
to your own cause would sit better with the American people’
‘Well, you might like to include something about
the right of the people to vote and...er...’
‘...and that the real issue is not about whether
you win or lose but about the will of the people being done’
‘But that’s not what it’s about at all!’ said the
voice ‘It’s about me, myself, I! It’s about me being President, not
Bush!’
‘Yes, sir, I agree - I think we all do - but you
can’t say that! You have to be tactful!’ said an advisor ‘Something like “Of
course, the real issue in Florida is not whether I - or anyone else - might win.
But that the will of the people be heard”’
‘Why, yes - that does sound better’ he confessed
‘It makes me sound almost...almost...’
‘Human?’ one offered.
‘Yes. Marvelous. But I can still begin to form a
transition Gov...’
There was a pause while the entire room fell
silent. I pressed my ear up to the speaker and heard shuffling in the background
while one whispered ‘It’s a hidden mike!’. Suddenly, and with no warning, the
tape clicked off and I was returned to silence. And that was it.
Real? I wasn’t sure.
Bush propaganda? I couldn’t rule it
out.
But I couldn’t help but notice how the next speech
I heard from the real Al Gore’s lips had me staring at his nose and watching it
grow and grow out of all proportions - just like that marionette in
Pinocchio.
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
