Saturday 2nd December 2000
Nuffin the Hamster asks a question
Florida (SATURDAY) - 'I just want to
assure people' said the official head of the counters in Florida 'that every
effort is being taken to determine the intention of the voter on his or her
ballot. We are working tirelessly, to exceptionally high standards and we're
unceasingly making sure that only the will of the people will be taken into
consideration'
I raised a paw skyward and was
pointed at by one the minions who stood by his side, his coat jacket bulging
with some sort of weapon beneath - just in case the questions got nasty, I
guess.
'You' he said 'Your
question'
'I cleared my throat and began to
squeak as loudly as I could above the hum of the press gathering. A lady rushed
over to my side with a microphone and pointed it at my moving lips and I was
asked to repeat the question.
'There's a great deal of
concern amongst the Hamster Presidential Party that votes cast on the ballot
papers for Diddley Squat are being reinterpreted as votes for Al Gore. Would you
mind commenting on such an allegation?'
The leader looked at me
wisely and then offered 'Yes. Yes, I would'
His minion pointed at someone
else and ordered 'Your question'
The crowd fell silent as they
began to murmur audibly their concern, scribbling down the first answer and the
subsequent avoidance of the issue by taking a second. Towards the end, I raised
another paw and was again given opportunity to put a question forward, phrasing
it in a way that would make the head have to answer with something
specific.
'Are you counting the votes for Diddley
Squat and, if so, what are you counting them as?'
There was a pause as the
question sank in and the leader looked round for support, hoping that someone,
somewhere close, could take over the question and save him the embarrassment.
Unfortunately for him, most of those on the platform were looking the other way,
whistling or had suddenly felt the need to call home on their
mobiles.
'The...er...' he paused, trying to
think the best way of phrasing what he wanted to say.
'All ballot papers are having
to be interpreted to determine the will of the voter - and votes for Diddley
Squat are no exception. We are striving to maintain the highest standards
possible, with sufficient resources and extreme caution in all circumstances
that only the intention of the voter is counted...'
'And how are you interpreting the vote
for Diddley Squat?' a voice at the back shouted - I was grateful for the support
for I was beginning to feel that I was but one lone voice crying in this barren
wilderness of truth.
'Carefully' the response
came.
From somewhere on the right
side a slow handclap began while boos and jeers began emanating from people all
around me.
'Give the hamster an answer!'
someone shouted.
Another chanted 'Diddley Squat! Diddley
Squat!' and the masses joined in the acclamation as the leader's face began to
grow red and he walked away from the vast array of microphones that stood on the
podium.
Later that day, I watched
protesters outside the counting offices on the gogglebox chant 'Bush' while
their lips moved to form the words 'Diddley Squat' and others, reported as
representing Al Gore doing much the same thing. And then I began to think about
what had happened and it hit me like a wet kipper:
'The hamster vote
must be significant here! That's why there've been lawsuits to have everything
recounted!'
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
