Saturday 25th November 2000
Nuffin the Hamster reports on chads, again
Florida (WEDNESDAY) - 'Miami-Dadorail'
squeaked Rab. He shook his head as if trying to remove the thought from his mind
and concentrated once more on the issue at hand. He knew the information was
there, it was just well hidden from the recollection of his memory. He'd heard
the County name - and seen it written down - the problem was trying to put into
words with a mouth that wasn't playing fair.
'Miami-Daddiessauce. No, no -
it wasn't that. Oh, what was it?!'
Yafa and I continued with our
conversation, allowing Rab to drift off into some cerebral oblivion for a few
more moments.
'So, what are the rules?' I
asked him 'What do they say constitutes a vote?'
'Well, that depends on who you
want to listen to - and when. The same person has come up with more than one
definition of what makes for a vote that needs to be counted'
'In simple terms' I told him
'Tell me the story as simply as you can'
'Yes!' squeaked
Rab 'Miami-Dolphins!'
'No' I assured him 'they're a
sports team'
'Oh'
'You see, it seemed all very straightforward last
week. There were holes and pregnancies. A hole was a clear indication of the
voter's intent because the chad was completely removed from the ballot paper -
and a pregnancy was where one was bulging but that hadn't been completely
removed'
'Last week?' I asked 'You mean that's all
changed?'
'Of course' Yafa assured me 'because there were
found to be hanging chads, swinging-door chads and tri-chads - that's chads held
on by one, two or three corners respectively - and it couldn't be determined
whether the machines had actually been counting them...'
'How does Miami-Dandelion sound?' Rab
interjected.
'It sounds like a native plant of Florida' I
assured him.
'...so these have to be interpreted as
well'
'So what's with the dimpled chad? That's the same
as a pregnant one, right?'
'Er, no. I'm afraid it's not that simple. A
dimpled chad is one of the categories of a pregnant chad - the latter could also
be simply pierced but not bulging. In fact it could be both'
I scratched my head to try and counteract the
vertigo I was experiencing from all this conceptual thinking I was having to do.
It seemed to me that someone, somewhere, was making an absolute fortune in
defining all these different possibilities - even though they hadn't yet thought
of the 'diagonal chad' where one is held on by the two opposite corners.
'Let me ask you something, Yafa. Can we be
absolutely sure that the ballot paper before Election day wasn't bulging,
pierced, dimpled or whatever? Did they sample all the ballot papers to make sure
it was a level playing field?'
'Good point' he replied 'There's no way of knowing
that at all'
'Got it!' squeaked Rab loudly 'It's
Miami-Dada'
I looked at him with desperation 'No, Rab, it
isn't. But you're just so close to the real meaning of it all, that it might as
well be...'
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
