Saturday 25th November 2000
Nuffin the Hamster reports on a new game that
Presidential Election viewers are playing
FLORIDA (Saturday) - 'There's one!' my master
shouted as a small, shriveled lawyer rose from his seat and strode to the
microphone in one of the drama scenes from the Presidential Election. Kath eyed
the object on the top of his head with a clear investigative journalist's stare
and confessed the point:
'Okay, okay' she admitted 'you get the two
points'
The score was getting real exciting - 42-39 - and only five
minutes to go until the end of the game. Lee had already declared both of his
time outs but Kath had one more up her sleeve to use at the most opportune time
possible when she was in the lead and close to the end game.
This is the scene in many a household throughout
the world for, although most humans feel drawn to watch the 'greatest sitcom in
years', distractions are necessarily needed in the more mundane and boring bits
when lawyers who haven't been scripted with too much to say that's funny are
given their own five minutes. It's then that men and women play the 'Spot the
Toupee' challenge - a game in which they try to identify those on the box who
are obviously wearers of an artificial covering.
Rules vary but it's observation which is the key - that
tell tale hair tuft which creeps below the bright colours of that on top and
which is an altogether different shade. Take the picture above right - what Lee
was able to spot was the perfection of the barnet, but the signs of hair growing
back after a very close shave days previously around the ears. And that's the
other main indication - too neat a hairstyle, probably the result of using too
wiry a hair compound for the toupee itself. For, even when the person bends over
to pick up a dropped paper, the hair moves not even a whisker.
Lawyers like this guy pictured left have obviously
no intention of covering up their advancing years for that straggly bit of hair
at the front amidst a receding hairline is a clear indication that a youthful
image isn't important.
Some toupees are extremely evil looking - some, you'd
expect that the owner would put out a saucer of milk for when they take it off
at night - some, like this one observed here at right on a CNN presenter, give
you the impression that they were gleaned from something like a bog brush rather
than that the person spent vast sums of money going to a recognised toupee
supplier. The fluffiness and spikes are reminiscent of a dead hedgehog which
would be scraped off the road early one morning as one went out to work, while
the white hairs at the side too obviously giveaway the presence of an 'cover'
above.
In a game of hair or no hair, disputes are always
going to arise and, if appeal to the courts isn't possible (because they're full
to the brim with disputes about ballot counting), the participants should
appoint an independent third party to rule on matters which could end up in
domestics.
Before I close this article, let me share with you
three people seen on television and ask you to decide whether they're wearing a
toupee or not - only with much practice will you ever attain to the height of a
professional and earn a five figure sum annually doing exhibitions round the
globe.
These three all represent problems to the
competitor for different reasons. The first appears natural - simply because
that tuft of hair on the left, attached just above the ear, has to be
their own. That would, then, indicate that the entire head of hair is real. But,
hang on! What about the eyebrows? Shouldn't they be the same 'natural' colour if
they were real? Here at the RW we say 'yes' to twin eyebrow toupees.
The guy in the middle is most obviously suspicious
because of the hair colour and his age. Would a man who's pushing sixty still
have a blond covering? While not impossible, this is what we in the trade call a
'deceptive tempting' when the person is trying to deceive, to make it look as if
a toupee has been attached. Rather, we feel that some sort of hair restorer -
like Grecian 2000 - is being used here and that CNN have thrown this guy in to
thwart the unwary.
Finally, Frankenmuppet on the right. No - she
isn't wearing a toupee. We included her here as an example of how muppets are
increasingly being used on prime time tv. Even though the hair is most obviously
unnatural it doesn't fall into the category of 'toupee' simply because it isn't
stuck onto the head of a human. This model was constructed by the late, great
Jim Henson for media use.
So, there you have it. Above all, have fun in the
game and don't take it too seriously.
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
