Saturday 18th November 2000
Nuffin the Hamster reports on some more developments to you-know-what
FLORIDA (Sunday) - Ah yes, I think it was the people
themselves who first sued - something about being disenfranchised in the
election, though I'm not quite sure just what that word is supposed to mean in
the context of their case. I think it's just that they were annoyed that they
hadn't understood the ballot papers and made the cardinal error of punching as
many holes as possible wherever they could find suitable places. Indeed, some of
the reports said there was more hole than paper.
There might have been a few of these - I can't
remember. The election process is all getting rather blurred at the
moment.
Then there was Al Gore - I think he was next. Or
was it the Democrats as a whole who were suing? I can't remember - and I don't
rightly care - but I know he was demanding that a manual count be made of the
ballot papers so that the 'will of the people' might be done. Of course, I found
that strange. After all, for the past four years it's been the will of the
President that's got things done in the US - why blame the population of Florida
for what the next four years will bring?
Anyway, that's immaterial. But I know that he wanted the
counters to be free to exercise their legal mandate to count what they
think the voter meant by what he did with his ballot paper (I'll let you
surmise what some people actually did with their ballot paper and what that
actually means). You can see the scene, can't you?
'Hey! This is marked "Bush"' one would say.
'Heck! That can't be right! No one who uses red
biro votes for Bush - must be a vote for Gore'
Then there was George W Bush - or, better, the
Republicans. They wanted - now let me see if I can remember - they wanted to
stop the manual count. Probably for the reasons that I've just mentioned but
more likely because there may be a feeling that even an honest attribution of
ballot votes would favour Al Gore and not themselves. After all, if there really
were two holes beside Buchanan and Gore - spoiled ballot papers - you'd
have to go 50-50 on the attribution, wouldn't you?
I think a hole is a great way to vote for a
politician - I'm going off at a tangent now. Because a hole is effectually
nothing. It contains no important information, no intelligence and no substance
- if it wasn't for the air molecules, it'd be a vacuum. I think that's apt. A
politician is elected by being attributed with the largest amount of empty space
by the electorate.
Well, they were the third people to register a case.
Then there was John Zimmerman. After him...
...yes, that's right - John Zimmerman. Haven't you
heard of him? He was the guy who produced the ballot papers. Well, actually, he
just made the paper upon which the words were printed. He's suing that his
product has been defaced by having holes punched into it - apparently, as the
papers haven't been paid for, they remain his property and he gave no permission
that they could be defaced. I think he's suing both the electors and the
authorities.
The printers are also asking for the return of all
the ink which was smudged off the papers and ended up on the electors' hands. A
very serious matter, I note. It almost pales Gore and Bush's lawsuits into
meaninglessness, don't you think?
McDonalds are probably implicated in this whole sad mess
somewhere along the line - they usually are. It probably has something to do
with the new hot dogs they're selling - the RW have obtained exclusive pictures
- we've reproduced one here for our readership. In fact, this is probably all
the fault of McDonalds - they've obviously been subliminally advertising in
Florida that people should believe that Bush is a good choice for President.
That would certainly explain the higher vote than was expected. Or was that
Gore? Perhaps both - I reckon the vote was too high for both of them.
No, I don't know. I'm guessing.
But I think I'll sue, too. All this overtime
having to cover the story, the sleepless nights, the strain on the eyes, the
lack of proper nourishment. Must be Florida's fault, if you ask me. Now all I
need is a good lawyer and I could be looking at a seven figure sum...
Nuffin the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
