Saturday 11th November 2000
Nuffin the Hamster reports on the final countdown

As the RW went to press this week, headlines were already beginning to hit the papers, speaking about the closest election in years, commenting on how it displayed the strength of both candidates and the voters' dilemma when faced with such closely matched competitors. Yafa, on the other hand, one of the new hamsters in the Smithhouse, attributed the nearness of the vote to other factors, squeaking 'If God had wanted the Americans to have an election, He would have given them a candidate'

Of course, the beloved rodent wasn't referring to Diddley Squat IV, the hamster presidential candidate, who's always maintained a truthful and open campaign in the face of increasing hostility from the human press.

For a while during the early hours of Wednesday morning here in the UK, the final outcome still hung in the balance while pollsters flitted between the possibilities of both Gore and Bush victories in Florida, the deciding State.

Told of the possible hanging of the Gore/Bush election result, DS commented:

'It's about the kindest thing they could do with either candidate'

Yarash was the more observant in his comments, noting:

'It's about time the American people saw through the subterfuge which has surrounded this campaign and reacted accordingly'

When the reality of the statement finally hit them, both hamster candidates apologised for the misunderstanding, issuing a press release saying 'It was an easy mistake to make given the nature of the people involved'

Meanwhile, the hamster vote was being recounted in the majority of States given the closeness of the Gore/Bush battle, each side hoping to object to votes for DS by saying that it was obvious to be a vote for themselves. Yafa agreed it would've been an easy mistake to make if the voters had assumed that the initials 'DS' stood for 'Dumb Southerner' and therefore referred to their own candidate.

'After all' he noted 'where else in the world could the winner of the Presidential race possibly be the one who polled the fewest votes? Electoral reform has been needed for years - perhaps it's only something like this that will make people sit up and take notice'

Yafa looked over my shoulder and gave me a puzzling stare. He decided to give me the benefit of his wisdom once more:

'You know, don't you think it's amazing that over half the population voted against both candidates and yet one of them will still be elected to the Presidential office in 2001?'

I nodded my agreement as he continued:

'And, you know, Diddley Squat IV actually has the lowest negative vote of all three candidates. Yes, that's right - less people positively objected to the Hamster candidate than they do to either Gore or Bush'

As we go to print, the outcome still hangs in the balance with predictions ranging from three days to eight months to sort out the counting dilemma in Florida. As I type this, Diddley Squat has already volunteered help to run the country until the election is finally resolved and - who knows? - there may even be the odd thousand bags of uncounted 'Hamster for President' papers underneath some of the counting tables that have been overlooked.

Nuffin the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.

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