Saturday 4th November 2000
Nuffin the Hamster reports on a strange turn in politics



You know how it is - you're lying there in a nice warn bed when the radio clicks on and your semi-consciousness is assaulted by pieces of information that only make half - if any - sense. And then - suddenly - it hits you and you jump up with a start and think 'Did he really say that? Are my ears deceiving me?'

And then they repeat the news item 'on the hour every hour' and you begin to wonder whether sanity has been thrown out the window along with the baby - or is that the water thrown out with sanity? I can't remember, but there's a human proverb in there somewhere.

Lee had just come down stairs and had flicked the radio on to hear the headlines last Saturday morning so I asked him whether my ears were really deceiving me or did that reporter really say the things he had? No, I was correct - this was true. It made me wonder just what sort of person Al Gore was now aiming for.

After all, we've all seen him with his wife, haven't we? That secures the married vote, of course. And his presence at innumerable functions and organised events are equally designed to associate him with those types of people who would ... er ... normally be associated with those types of events. So, if you think the old dears hold the fate of the election in their hands, best go to some nursing homes - if you think middle-aged white eaters of chocolate are the key, visit some manufacturer in a predominantly one race area - and, if you think the black vote is the stumbling area to your election success, best gather as many advisors around you that are - how can I say it? - not white.

But that Mr Gore wears leathers and rides on motorbikes? Now what part of the American culture was he aiming for here? The Hell's Angel? The Anarchist? Gosh, I thought, this minority group must really be fundamental to his entire campaign strategy - was it really getting that close?

What really troubled me wasn't so much his association with bikers but what might happen should he ever get elected. I mean, would we see tax concessions on new Harley Davidsons? Or increased tax levies on the car driver that they might be encouraged to switch to a more 'free' form of transport? And did it mean that the new President would jump on his 750cc, with the tassels of his black leather jacket blowing in the breeze, to travel through the crowded streets and be flanked by similar clad security officers in sun visors all touting various rebellious slogans in bright colours on their backs?

My imagination was doing overtime, I can tell you - even more so when I heard Gore reported as saying he drank heavily (and would, therefore, probably burp repeatedly when he was live on telly) - an appeal obviously directed at the Russians amongst us who voted a similar president in on the other side of the Pond.

Was meanness the way ahead, I thought? Had they decided the 'good, clean American' vote was secured and that they could go for the 'other one'? And that would mean that Bush would now have to come clean about the drugs issue he'd tried to evade so many months ago and, instead of confessing ashamedly what had once happened, could come out with a sincere conviction that he had taken drugs, was proud of taking drugs and would do so again if he ever got the chance.

It was good, I reassured myself, to think that the Hamster Presidential Campaign wasn't based upon shady associations but upon truth. Yes, that was the guiding principle in everything - truth.

What a breath of fresh air it would be, I thought, if politics was about truth.

Then I laughed loudly.

'Don't be silly' I squeaked into the room 'what has sincerity got to do with politics?!'

Nuffin the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.

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