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Homo Paranoidus
Saturday 2 September 2000
Dak and Maty the Hamsters report more on the Pirelli Conspiracy   Homo Paranoidus - Pronunciation: par-rot-annoyed. Etymology: from the Latin 'Homo' meaning 'human being' or 'man' and the Greek 'Parrot' which got frequently annoyed when owners used to plot behind its back. Meaning: a male of the anglicanised variety who continues to look over their shoulder at those who may or may not be plotting against them. Employs such justificatory statements like 'just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that someone isn't out to get you' which perpetuate the aura of being victimised. Label attached to anyone who has a nervous twitch when talked about in public or who is unjustifiably accused of putting their hamster in the freezer. So runs the Chambers Dictionary definition. It was long thought that Homo Paranoidus was extinct but recent scientific research has revealed a plot which was covered up by CIA, FBI and Interpol to quieten down a sighting of the said species in South Yorkshire near Sheffield. This small band, recently discovered to be living in tribal groupings since the dawn of civilisation, have been kept secret due to the sinister goings on which propel them to write strange poems about people who cross them and to imagine all sorts of supposed references to activities in their opponents that are only loosely justifiable. The other week, Maty and I were privileged to be taken, blindfolded, to a small cave where a group of these primitives sat around a camp fire chanting mystical incantations such as 'We don't want no frozen hamsters' to a well known Pink Floyd tune (proving just how primitive their music is and where that rock group may have received inspiration from) and 'Warm your hamster by the fire'. In the niche of a cave wall, there lay dolls - made from clay and straw - with long hair and which bore the label 'Lies Resume' about their neck. It's supposed by some to be a label which bears similarities to a person who offended their tribe in times past and which transgression has never been adequately forgiven and put right by the said offender. Through an interpreter, we spoke with the leader of the group, a wild-eyed brute of a humanoid with a full set of whiskers, who spoke in a hushed whisper and told us of misunderstanding and of hamster mailing lists which plotted through private emails to eradicate caring owners from the group. We heard how the tribe had first come together when a couple with similar experiences met up and spoke of the opposition they'd received at the hands of this 'Lies Resume'. Indeed, in Homo Paranoidus culture, they seem to speak of all bad things coming from this character which they label as 'Lies Resume' - a female deity who does nothing good. Ultimately, they believe that an intervention will come through a chosen one who they call Smitherman who will put to right everything that this female personage has done wrong. And for this they wait, chanting the truth as was delivered to them by the ancients. The advent of Smitherman, so they say, will be through great signs and wonders - and by the use of email. They also believe that kidney beans will be revealed as part of the redemptive plan even though they have no working concept of such a food product. But that they know of their existence is certain proof, some experts say, that there has been a direct intervention by an alien encounter which has imparted to them a truth which they continue to propagate until the coming intervention of the man of promise. It's difficult to know just where truth ends and supposition begins with this culture but Maty and I were both struck with their friendliness, their forthrightness and their vast supply of sunflower seeds for visiting hamsters who remain amongst their most sacred of creatures, revered throughout the tribe as being animals of outstanding intellect and IQ. They recounted tales of better days when innocence hadn't been lost and of when they believed that private emails were sent for friendship and not to glean information about them which could be twisted and distorted. They related to us of the early days, of ancient times and sacred places, when they trusted everyone, when 'Lies Resume' hadn't been made known to them and when Smitherman was just a small twinkle in their conceptual mind. It was, above all, a learning experience for us both - a voyage of discovery which caused us to understand how Homo Paranoidus evolved from Homo Erectus and Homo Sapien. Indeed, in the broad scheme of things, this evolved sub-species may one day become the dominant force throughout the civilised world - and not just the predominantly typical American Internet user. One day, we will go back and learn more - but, for now, we were content to learn the little we were able... Dak the Hamster writes for
the Rodent Weekly. |
