Saturday 26 August 2000
Maty the Hamster reports on the DS Campaign trail


On the trail of the first pioneers, Diddley Squat IV (DS) headed west this week in a lightning visit to California, Colorado and New Mexico before venturing to stop over in Missouri, Illinois and Indiana on a brief campaign trail that will run until the end of the month. Meanwhile, Yarash junior (YJ) will traverse the east coast with major appearances in Vermont, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Georgia, North and South Carolina and Florida.

During his first stop in California, DS will meet with several stars of stage and screen to host what is being billed as the world's first 'Organized Anarchist Fundraiser'. From here, arranged meetings with representatives of more than 20 oppressed groups in Boulder, Colorado, are scheduled - including undocumented immigrants, people who look like undocumented immigrants, people who neither look like documented immigrants or who are actual undocumented immigrants but who could fall into either category if they were resident anywhere but the US, smokers, drivers of vehicles more than three years old, drivers of vehicles with bumper stickers, drivers of vehicles who don't drive vehicles because of the cost of petrol, critics of the local political elite, and teens who go barefoot outdoors (a radical new approach to attract the vote of a minority section of the populace who are more likely to keep hamsters as pets than the more established and older sections of society).

All of these can be jailed under Boulder's notorious 1998 Yuppie Conformist Act (YCA/2) which provides jail sentences of up to two years for these offenses. This may be one of the most interesting events of the campaign as DS could be arrested because the same ordinance outlaws wearing fur within city limits.

Meanwhile, YJ will deliver a lecture on human warmongering and the power of the state at the School of Political Science at Harvard. He's also expected to participate in both television and radio talk shows in Boston where the issues scheduled for discussion will be walnut production in a climate of post nuclear fallout and genetic implants for larger pouches. From Massachusetts he will go on to Vermont and New Hampshire to meet with religious leaders, shop keepers, restaurant workers, members of local labor unions, toilet cleaners, toilet brush makers and toilet seat designers.

At a recent human political meeting, a woman attending a rally actually brought a hamster who occupied her own theatre seat. The hamster was so terrified at the overblown rhetoric, the exaggerations and self-serving lies of those present (and that included the ice cream salesmen during the interval) that she cowered in her seat with her paws pressed tightly against her ears (see photo). Hamster For President campaign volunteers were quickly able to make her squeak with delight by telling her the news that a hamster would be running for the presidency and her GFO, too, became a proud supporter and campaign donor.

Yarash will return to the Washington area in early September where he will unveil a plan to convert several major government buildings into homeless shelters for mice, rats and squirrels. DS, on the other hand, will return in late August and is expected to take a bride at that time. Then the hamsters will concentrate on the filming and production of a 90 minute infomercial which will be aired nationally in the weeks leading up to the election.

Maty the Hamster is writing more regularly for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.




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