Saturday 26th August 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the continuing saga of the Pirelli Conspiracy

The conspiracy was beginning to deepen - with every investigation, every reading of another Pirelli posting, there was an ever increasing suspicion that all was not what it seemed. The self-confessed care for us hamsters was beginning to pale into insignificance before the inadvertent statements made when the mind must have been tired, when the true nature of the beast shone through.

I have already discussed the facts of why my master Lee was labeled a person who puts hamsters in deep freezers (an accusation, I hasten to add, which my investigations have proven to be unwarranted) and how Lee first directed me towards the underlying currents which seemed to be eddying throughout this entire incident. What I didn't expect to find was more - I thought that a quick recky of the situation might show my initial suspicions to be unfounded but I stood aghast at the depths to which the Pirelli conspiracy was beginning to dive.

It was all a matter of double standards - and of silent hands joining with others behind the scenes and via private emails to conspire against my master. I guess that the facts of the matter will never fully come to light, but it was nagging at my own consciousness that there was more than one owner who was joining forces in some sort of coalition. Indeed, I was beginning to grow suspicious that the character of Susan Pirelli was, in fact, not one person at all but a label put on some association of hamster owners who were using the email account to make it seem as if there was.

What first led me to the conclusions were the contradictions in the posts. I wondered why the statement in another posting that 'I sent them a love note and offered to help them "correct" their information' wasn't applied to Lee's posting if it had been thought to have advocated freezing habitats. The label 'double standard' was written all over it. And, besides, in that posting which accused my owner of advising owners to put their hamsters in the freezer was the statement that

'While discussion [sic] are nice, let's leave care facts to the experts'

a statement which puts down just about every small child who observes something unique about their hamsters and who is excited enough to want to share it. But this wasn't all - it raised up the conglomerate postings of the Pirelli coalition to unequaled heights of authority which could never be challenged - in short, advice which condemned the Hamster Presidential Campaign couldn't be contradicted when the Pirelli voice assented.

But there was worse yet to come. Rather than come out with a definitive statement against the Campaign, there were postings which negated the right of every hamster to breed and so continue the line of the Presidential Candidate to provide it with successors from the direct bloodstock of Ganjette. For, in another, separate, posting, I read with horror the Pirelli voice stating proudly that she/he/they (I'm really not sure which personal pronoun to use anymore) neuter their animals and that 'I'd be glad to have [neutering] done on the animals I intend to keep for pets'.

This was all getting very disturbing - but the conspiracy was obviously beginning to take shape amongst those involved and the Pirelli label was what the alliance was taking to forward its views.

Postings were being printed off thick and fast by now and being left on my desk for my frequent visits into the office. Here, in another, was an attempt to put pet shop owners out of business by asserting that hamster breeders should have '...banned [sic] together and refused to sell their babies for less than $20 to the pet stores,' creating a shortage of animals to buy. In this way, hamsters could obviously be sold directly to the owners, securing a good price for each rodent sold and making sure that each one distributed was neutered before it ever left for its new master.

And there was the underlying implication that little or nothing needed to be done for a hamster when an ethereal hamster afterlife was being proposed with such suggestive subliminal questions as, 'Wonder if he does this in hammie heaven?' and the more worrying 'We...miss them when they are gone and look forward to seeing them again [in Heaven?]'

Here was a theoretical spiritual plane that was being proposed that had no evidence with which to support it - except, of course that these facts were being asserted, as I've previously mentioned, by '...the experts'. If the hamster will be happier when it's dead and buried (and, believe me, I'd rather be alive and well looked after than pushing up the daisies in someone's backyard!), why bother caring for it?

There was conspiracy here - conspiracy upon conspiracy. I called up my email program, addressed a letter to the GFO and began writing:

'The Rodent Weekly is beginning to grow worried that the Pirelli Conspiracy will attempt to subvert you from both caring for your hamsters and allowing a successor to be bred when Diddley Squat IV passes on. We must urge you to be on your guard against such subversive attempts which, even now, are probably being conceived in the minds of those who are masquerading as hamster owners - some of them you may even know personally...'

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.



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