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Conspiracy Revisited
Saturday 19th August 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the continuing saga of the Pirelli Conspiracy  'Dak!' the voice was urgent and insistent as I shifted uneasily on the pile of bedding in my nest compartment. 'Dak! Get your pen! I've got a story!' I recognised the voice immediately but I'd never before heard Lee this excited - what was up with him? Had he received some blinding flash of revelation that I hadn't been party to? He'd better not have forgotten my cherry in all this excitement, that was one of the simple delights I was beginning to require in my old age. I poked my nose from the bedding and gave a short sniff: 'Okay, okay. I'm coming. Wait a minute' I rustled the material to retain as much warmth as I could for my return and then exited into the writing area, a small floor where the wood shavings had been cleared and where there was a keyboard installed through one of the cage bars. 'Right' I began 'What you got?' 'This was all a cover up!' Lee spoke excitedly 'A cover up to turn hamster owners' gazes away from the real culprit' This was getting serious. The Pirelli Conspiracy went deeper than I last reported it to be? What evidence was there? Lee turned to an old posting from the main instigator of the conspiracy and read it aloud: 'Listen. Shortly before I got blacklisted, this is what she wrote...' He cleared his throat and spoke with an air of suspicion that made the hair on each paw stand erect through the goosebumps. '"This list..." - that's 1hml, by the way - "...was formed quite a while ago as a result of a flame war"' He paused and looked at me. I scratched my head and raised my paws in bewilderment. What on earth was he on about? 'Don't you see? People were setting fire to hamsters and throwing them at one another and, because of that, the members and moderators of the mailing list had to leave to start their own! Why, which self-respecting owner would give people like that the time of day? So they were banned and exiled away from normal people like you and me...' Well, I wasn't a person - and had no desire ever to be equated as one - but I let the matter rest for the matter at hand. 'And, whenever they read of someone wanting to give hamsters the best out of life, they naturally close ranks and attack them - it's a well-known psychological trait' This was compelling - it was true - but just one phrase of one posting? Was this enough evidence to warn the world of the mailing list? Hey! What was I saying?! How many pieces of evidence had that Pirelli person needed to expel Lee? 'And there's more!' Lee's eyes began to sparkle 'Listen! In the same post the moderator talks about not using capitals because it inflames people and then writes - look, Dak! Look!' He held up the print off and I could hardly believe my eyes - were they? My goodness! They were! Capitals! She'd actually written: 'BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER' 'Like, that's shouting!' I squeaked 'That's dictatorial! That's, that's...hypocritical!' I sat contemplating the problem. Obviously this conspiracy was deeper than I had first imagined and might even stretch to the darkest corridors of the Government departments who don't want a hamster in the Whitehouse. What if, by assuming a friendly face towards hamsters, the entire group were, in reality, out to undermine the Campaign? What if, taken in by the fresh fruit and veg of our masters, we were really being suckered into thinking they were concerned about hamster issues? This was difficult, but I boldly felt my paws press against the keyboard and type the header: 'Do you really know your owner?' I began to type: 'Truth has begun to emerge that what was considered to be an isolated expulsion of my master from 1hml is, in effect, a much more sinister counterplot to undermine the Hamster for President Campaign...' Dak the Hamster writes for
the Rodent Weekly. |
