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Put your hamster in the freezer
Saturday 12th August 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the 'Pirelli Conspiracy'  What? Lee said what? He said you should put your hamster in the deep freeze? More to the point - was I in for the same fate? It's a strange thing when one goes flicking through someone else's emails - as I was now doing - for you just tend to come up with all sorts of trashy statements that mean little or nothing unless read in the context in which they were written. But this certainly seemed bizarre to say the least. I reread the accusation, rubbed my eyes for clarity, and rereread it. No, I was right the first time - Lee was being accused of telling someone to put their hamster in the deep freeze. You think I'm kidding, right? You read it for yourself: 'If any of you put your Russian Dwarves or Winter Whites in a deep freeze or subject them to cold, just to recreate a wild simulation, you'll be faced with a dead hamster. A recent post about habitat suggested this was an ideal situation for Russian Dwarves and Winter Whites' I squeaked down to Lee and asked him to come up and explain. As he sat across from me, I read the accusation which had appeared on the 1hml mailing list from one of the moderators, a Susan...er...Pirelli? What was that surname? I really must get my eyes tested. Was there any truth in the accusation? Was that what he'd actually said? No, Lee reassured me, that wasn't what he'd said. What had he said, then? He grabbed the mouse button and accessed the article, scrolling down to the appropriate place. 'Here' he gestured 'I was talking about wild conditions in Mongolia and how your kind survive in the wild. And I made the statement that, if we were to attempt to create wild conditions for Russian hamsters, it would be...well, you read it' He pointed out the sentence and I read it aloud emphasizing the italicized words (added by myself): 'Indeed, winter in the UK without central heating is about the best condition for a Russian if we’re to simulate the wild' I looked at the sentence again - then at Lee. 'You're joking, aren't you?' I squeaked 'This has been taken to say that you're advocating keeping hamsters in the deep freeze?' Lee lifted his hands up in bewilderment 'What you need to learn about humans, Dak, is that they will attempt to destroy anyone they don't like. They will twist whatever is said to make one out to be the worst demonised individual around simply because they take exception to what you say' The word 'conspiracy' sprang to mind - yes, the Pirelli conspiracy (I really must get my eyesight tested - was that first letter a 'P'?). 'And you left the mailing list because of this? Why didn't you stop to defend yourself?' I asked. 'Actually, Susan told me that if I didn't leave she would unsubscribe me herself - that was for something else I'd written, by the way, something which she again took the wrong way. No, no - I was constructively thrown off by the moderators of the Group...' '...and now they're out to blacken your name by defamation of character!' I concluded. I could hear the mind of Ms Pirelli (no, no - that definitely wasn't the letter 'P') working overtime - 'This writing style suggests a CIA operative. He could be out to sabotage the hamster political aspirations. May be collecting intelligence on hamster owners....(ponders)...mmm...must ban him - let me see how we can spread disinformation' This was like something out of a Hollywood film - but - hey! - maybe the 1hml mailing list was where they were getting their inspiration from? I stared once more at the name that signed at the bottom of the accusation. Rats! My eyes! That 'P' was an 'M'! Lee walked from the room, whispering dryly: 'Rodent-on-a-stick anyone? Two flavours - Syrian and Russian. Watch that fur - it can get inbetween the teeth something rotten...' Dak the Hamster writes for
the Rodent Weekly. |
