Saturday 12th August 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the party to end all parties


You may think it strange - you may even let your jaw drop wide open and gape at the wall for a full five minutes - but Scratch turned 28 last Monday, all the Presidential Team rejoicing with much joy and mirth. Except, that is, for Melek - for reasons not entirely certain but rumour has it that the latter was caught fighting over a shelled peanut before the weekend and so, grudgingly, didn't want to be included.

With Diddley Squat IV declaring August 7th a National Holiday, members of the GFO's mailing list were urged to call their employers to inform them that they would be taking the day off in commemoration of the honorable Scratch. I should point out, however, that Scratch wasn't 28 years old but 28 months - almost considered to be senility in hamster age if it wasn't for his enthusiasm and vitality which continues unabated in campaigning for a hamster in the Whitehouse.

Local confusion in the media needed to be squashed immediately as morning reports carried articles which discussed why people were advocating a National Day to scratch one's hamster, why others were being urged to find 28 hamsters and to scratch them and, perhaps worse, why humans should feel any need to scratch themselves all day even if they didn't have a recognised skin complaint.

But, once it'd been explained to them, balloons started appearing all over town announcing 'Happy Birthday, Scratch!' and 'Boogie on down, Scratch' - one local child had his own teeshirt printed which read 'Scratch, we love yew - happy 28th' and which caught the attention of the tv channels in the Chevy Chase area.

The party began quietly and sedately enough, the protests from Melek being largely ignored. In time honoured fashion, Scratch stepped up to the birthday cake and gave it the traditional lick after thirty seconds of sniffing to find the most appropriate spot. From there on in, the celebrations threw all caution to the wind, with hamsters throughout the GFO's apartment being fed pieces of cake through the restraining bars which prevented them from rushing into the cake at break-neck speed.

Rodent Weekly correspondent, Maty, summed up the sight by recalling:

'There was this icing stuck to the cage and all the hamsters were nibbling at the bars trying to extract the very last bit - it was just a good job that the paint on that wire was lead-free or we'd probably all be brain damaged by now - but don't tell the mailing list I said that cos they'll probably misquote me'

Scratch gave a short speech calling on human disagreements to be resolved amongst GFOs worldwide - a referral to some moderator or other who is at odds with my owner - and appealed for compassion and sensitivity and, what was even more important, that the moderator would start answering Lee's emails again so the issue could be resolved.

Having said his peace, the squeaks were raised skyward and tiny paws were heard from all corners of the apartment, running away from that dreadful CD of Van Halen that the GFO had just put on.

Even so, a great time was had by all and, if Scratch is still alive come his 29th, he's promised that the celebrations will be even bigger.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.



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