Saturday 29th July 2000
Dak and Maty the Hamsters report on the final decision on the new Presidential Candidate

As mentioned in our previous article, hamsters from across the civilised world (that includes parts of Chevy Chase as well as Washington), came together last Friday to hear the final announcement of who it will be that takes on the Hamster Presidential nomination. This decision, which came uniquely out of a two way tie between Diddley Squat IV and Yarash junior, set a precedent for all future elections - both amongst humans and rodents alike - as to how one should conduct oneself when faced with an equally qualified opponent.

There was no fur grabbing here - neither paw fighting, ear stabbing nor teeth baring - the whole affair being conducted with a great amount of honour, respect and humility while both candidates resolved themselves to be committed to determining which of them would be the best possible candidate for the cause.

As the deafening cheebles and stomping paws subsided into a quietness in which you could have heard a water bottle drip, Rum, the returning officer of the previous week's meeting, scurried forward to the microphone to announce the decision. As she recounted the historical background to the selection process, my mind was drawn to that most rare of commodities amongst humans - honesty. Well, amongst politicians, anyway, and the way words are redefined to mean something different to what is plainly heard. And I felt encouraged that, whatever had been spoken from the front this past two weeks, were words which could be fully trusted and totally depended upon.

My mind came back to the present situation as Rum noted the criteria which had ultimately decided the candidacy - photographs.

Photographs?

You see, it was paramount that the humans be presented with a good poster and advertising campaign and the most congenial face was naturally the overriding criteria for ultimately deciding between two equally suited nominees.

Yarash, it was pointed out, was black and, in the past two weeks, not one photograph which had been taken was able to distinguish between where his fur ended and his eyes began - a serious problem and one which, with lighting, had attempted to be resolved (an archived picture has been included here but this is a rare one in which his eyes are distinguishable). Unfortunately, Yarash junior felt it necessary and so chose decisively to stand down from the full candidacy and to run as Diddley Squat's vice-president.

I looked over to where DS sat on his rear paws and noticed a tear being wiped from his eye. He jumped up and embraced his brother for his thoughtfulness and unselfish attitude while the crowd cheebled repeatedly and squeaked their delight.

There was a waving of the hand from the rear of the stage and a rustle and rattle filled everyone's ears as small fragments of walnuts cascaded to the floor in celebration of the announcement. As I exited the meeting hall to file the story, I heard the first few chords of the Smashing Pumpkin Seeds as they began to sing loudly:

'We only come out at night,
we only come out at night,
the days are much to bright,
we only come out at night.
And once again, you'll pretend
to know me well, my friend,
and once again, I'll pretend
to know the way
through the empty space....'