Saturday 22nd July 2000
Dak and Maty the Hamsters report on the decision of the hamster campaign committee


Well, what an amazing annual convention...one that will live in the memory for at least a year. I couldn't even begin to tell you of all those music groups, speeches and conversations I had and how rodents from across the world shared openly on subjects ranging from the successful infiltration of feline ranks to the scientific properties of peanut shells and their dietetic effect on incisors.

But the real reason for attending - the ultimate raison d'être, as everyone knows - was the culmination of the conference in the selection of a new Hamster Presidential Candidate for the coming Presidential Election 2000, following the untimely demise of Ganjette some months back.

Following the surprise withdrawal from the race of both Raichu and Yako Zimba II late on Saturday evening, the way was opened for a son of the mighty Yarash - either Diddley Squat IV or Yarash junior - to rise to preeminence but, what every ham there was totally unaware of was that the voting was to be as tight as it was tense.

At about 8pm local time (but star date 24.34.7693 by the Venusian calendar - a much more accurate assessment of real time which most hamsters, ferrets and wide-mouthed frogs adopt these days), the first balloting took place between the two remaining candidates, the returning officer, Rum (chosen because of her impartiality  and because she's no direct descendent or relative of the two), announced that the result was a straight tie in which both had polled 54% of the vote.

One must understand that voting in hamster elections is never straightforward and, while the human press were eager to shout 'fix' when a 108% total voting return had been declared, it was pointed out to everyone that calculators aren't the easiest of machines to use and the tiny paws of the hamster often mistakenly tap one number when another is intended - it also didn't help that many of the voters had put a cross beside both candidates' names.

This was a sincere error on behalf of the voting committee who immediately apologised for holding the ballot only five minutes after the convention's annual noughts-and-crosses competition, many of the hamsters thinking that the event was still continuing, turning to fellow rodents and asking them where the other seven spaces were to put the additional symbols.

Realising, then, that there needed to an accurate count, Scratch moved that exact numbers be counted rather than percentages and the hamsters went to work retrieving the ballot papers and recounting them, remembering accurately how many votes for each candidate had been inadvertently eaten by some of the younger hamlets.

It was clear, even from the earliest of projections, that this was a vote that would be as tight as a Rotatstak safety lock - you know the ones? - and squeaks of concern echoed from the crowds as the realization came that just the odd vote could be all that there would finally be to divide them.

I was standing by a delegate from the other side of America who squeaked in my ear that such a close call was surely a draw to all intents and purposes. 'After all' he told me 'if we can't choose a clear winner, how can we expect the world's hamsters to follow our vote?'

I took his point - and it was one that was beginning to be voiced throughout the large auditorium which was growing restless and sleepful - or were they restful and sleepless? No, no - it was sleepless and restless, I'm sure, even though a couple of younger hamsters were most definitely so restful that they were sleepful to a fair degree of oblivion.

And then, prompted by the squeaks which were passing around the crowd, Scratch rose to his rear paws and addressed the crowd, urging them to declare the vote a draw regardless of what the ballot ultimately said and to allow the two candidates - Yarash Junior and Diddley Squat IV - to decide for themselves later the following week who the best candidate would be. The crowd was ecstatic and immediately cheebled their approval, while the newly formed rodent band, the Hamstermite Hack (who on earth thinks these names up, will you tell me?), struck up the convention theme song along with a mudley of their greatest hit to begin the rejoicing.

Both bedding and wood shavings were flung high into the air and out through whatever bars were available, while the stewards distributed provisions to any who had a need. As the celebrations died down, Scratch proclaimed a three day rest, after which both nominees and their parents will meet to decide which of them becomes the official Hamster for President Candidate and which, by consequence, will take up the position of vice-candidate.

It is hoped that, come Friday 21st July, an announcement will be made - a date which, unfortunately, is too late for us to be able to include in the new edition of the Weekly. We shall, as usual, cover the story as it breaks on the official Rodent Weekly web site before reaction is printed in the 29th's edition.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.




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