Saturday October 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on a response to the Hamaholics Anonymous of America


I knew this wasn't going to be easy, judging by the previous two articles (1) (2) I'd contributed and I could see that there was going to be a lot of misunderstanding but, seeing as all the other correspondents were away on 'other business' it was down to me to get some sort of response to the report that was published two weeks' ago about the Hamaholics Anonymous who met in a suburb of Chevy Chase.

'It's a very primeval thing' Fluffy Bernadette, the hamster psychiatrist of the rich and famous, began as we sat across from the place where they met in a small rodent cafe that doubled as a local burger joint during the day 'These humans may feel that they're regressing into some sort of evolutionary expression which satisfies their inner cravings to belong'
That was all very well and good, I noted, but what on earth did it mean?

'Humans must have descended from some sort of common rodent ancestor' she explained 'and it's this inner memory, this testimony of some hidden psychic awareness, that's expressing itself through them'

Then what about those humans that thought they were Superman?

Fluffy Bernadette glanced at me knowingly and assured me that these things were still under the most extensive of researches even amongst the human scientific world. 'We're led to believe' she continued 'that at some point in earth's history, a race of super creatures must have infiltrated the earth, bred and the returned in their space crafts to their home planet, leaving behind the consciousness that there was a greater existence to be lived'

'So' I searched my mind for a better example 'what about those people who think they're teapots? Have they descended from some common ancestor who's trying to express themselves through them?'

'I just knew you'd spout off about that one!' she exclaimed 'but we're now coming to realise that these eccentricities are prime examples of the inner workings of the psyche. Perhaps those people were a piece of ceramic material before they evolved - I don't know'

We seemed to be straying too far off the subject so I switched tack and returned to the reason that I'd asked for the interview. There were certainly strange goings on in that little room across the road and I was wanting to try and come to terms with what made these hamaholics tick - or, should I say, squeak - I guess if they thought that they were grandfather clocks I'd want to know what made them tick...

'Let me take just one example that I observed the last time I attended' I squeaked. Fluffy Bernadette motioned with her hand and took on a serious expression which expressed both concern and worry. I do hope she wasn't thinking that this was my problem as she had with Dak but I just had to bring it up seeing as it had been on my mind ever since that last meeting.

'Why is it' I continued 'these humans wee in the most bewildering of places on the floor?'

She nodded serenely and groomed a ruffled piece of fur that was raised on her forehead.

'And just how long' she answered 'have you been having these problems?...'

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.



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