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Mad Hamsters
Saturday, 2 September 2000
Ebony the Hamster reports on the use of hamsters in the MAD magazines [Editor's note - We were a little concerned about whether we should publish these articles by Ebony posthumously, following his demise on 21st July, but we felt that this is what he would have wanted. They were completed only days before Ebony died in his sleep and we naturally were unwilling to publish them immediately until a little water had gone under the bridge] My owner turned forty the other month - I wrote an article about it, you may recall. It was too early at that time, however, to go into any great detail as to just what he'd bought with all his monetary gifts that came from all over the place - and he got quite a few. Probably so many because it was the big four-zero this year. A few days before his birthday arrived, I heard him tapping away at the keyboard upstairs in the Book Room while he was connected to the Internet and scampered upstairs to look over his shoulder. There - as luck would have it - was a Pinball game being bought on line. You see, me and Dak already use his last purchase of 'The Web' by Pro Pinball rather regularly and, though people seem to think that realistic pinball games are a regression in computer software, they represent an ideal format for us rodents who want to game cos we only have to push too buttons to activate the flippers and one additional press projects the ball onto the table. So, anyway, he bought two new ones - Fantastic Journey and Judge Dredd. I think the really sad thing about those games is that we tend to score much higher than Lee or Kath ever do and our names are proudly displayed on the highest scores board. Unfortunately, Lee's just discovered the data file which holds them on the computer and we get our names regularly erased but we keep a manual record between us and compete on a nightly basis to reach the highest level. But that's not what this article is all about -
no, I got side-tracked. And find it we did - hidden under a pile of old Rodent Weekly articles that Lee told us he was 'keeping for posterity's sake', were buried all seven CDs in their neat little folders. Trying to make the CDs work was the first problem - Lee hadn't told us but he'd been working on the problem for a couple of days before we stepped in and pointed out that he'd got the colours setting all wrong. One would have thought that the software would be able to work with a 16-bit or 32-bit colour set up but no - it had to have a 256 colours setting which makes our George the hamster wallpaper look all grainy and yeuck. The system requirement were also somewhat of a
joke - I mean a real joke. Apparently, according to the bumpf, Windows 98
is preferred while Windows with curtains and blinds are optional (that's what
the box says, believe me!). Their technical research also had urged them to
point out that, while one needed a computer to access the CD ROMs, a working one
was preferable and that 'snack tray' that doubled as a CD ROM player also needed
to be installed. Any slower processor than a Pentium 90 and one would be dead before we reached issue number 245 - with a hamster life expectancy, that translates into issue 7. And a mouse was important or, alternatively, an IBM compatible chipmunk. I'm not kidding! Believe me! Even the 'Users Guide' was a scream - I can't go in to the ins-and-outs here but it wasn't long before I stumbled upon the search facility and decided to check out what they'd done on 'hamsters' and, amazingly, there were fourteen references - two of which would turn the stomach of most hamsters, I hasten to add. And then I thought 'Hey! What a great subject for an article!' So, coming soon to the Rodent Weekly, you'll find a look at the history of hamsters through the eyes of the MAD magazine (with those two articles missed out). Probably in a couple of weeks. Yep, a couple of weeks. Watch this space... Ebony the Hamster writes
for the Rodent Weekly. |
