Saturday 26th August 2000
Maty the Hamster reports on some strange goings-on


It had seemed quiet - too quiet - this past week. Despite my repeated attempts to wake my colleague-in-fur when I passed by his burrow units of a night time - having chosen to visit my media colleague - there seemed to be absolutely no way that I could get him to shift from his comatose state.

This was nothing, in itself, so new. Dak is well-known for drifting off into a deep slumber after a difficult cracking open of a sunflower seed or when the grape skin becomes just too much for him to nibble through. What was unusual, however, was that Dak hadn't moved from the position in his tube for a full five days and I was starting to get just a little worried in case he'd kicked the food dish, so to speak, and was, even now, hopping from cloud to cloud with a golden harp in his paw - okay, okay, so I don't believe in clouds and harps but it seemed like a good idea for some poetic input.

Banging on the plastic tube brought no joy, either. Sniffing at the cracks where one joined another simply made my nose itchy as the hairs brushed against the plastic. It seemed like I'd have to call in reinforcements and so set about climbing the stairs to where I knew Lee and Kath were soundly asleep.

It took a while to wake them but they were soon on their way downstairs and into the living room, examining the tube as I stared at their efforts. I heard Lee mutter something under his breath and then deeply sigh as he opened the tube to pull the stiff little body from where it lay.

I began to find a tear come to my eye and squeaked quietly 'Is he...is he...?'

'Stuffed!' completed Lee 'Well and truly stuffed!'

This came as quite a shock - how was it possible that a hamster lying dead in such a position could actually have been stuffed without him first being removed? This was incredible and I sat amazed at the wonders of modern human science that could stuff a dead hamster even when the tubes hadn't been opened, neither the body taken away for a few days taxidermy.

'This isn't Dak' added Lee 'This is a cheap hamster key-ring! Is this some sort of joke?'

Well, obviously it was - but the laugh was on me, too. And, if this wasn't Dak, where on earth was he?!

'Look' said Lee 'Look at this white ring'

Yep, sure enough, there was a hoop sticking out from Dak's bum - I remember thinking to myself that he must have eaten something really awful if that had come out. No, no, what was I saying? This wasn't Dak at all!

Lee pulled the hoop til it extended a full three feet from the body and let it go. The toy wobbled around the floor like some half-dazed rodent squeaking 'Pleasure to meet you, Maty. Pleasure to me...'

Just them I heard the loud, squeaky laughter from across the other side of the room and, out from behind the leg of the chair, slid Dak, full of life, holding his sides with mirth.

'Gotcha!' he shouted.

I turned and ran full speed, shouting as I neared the leg 'And just wait til I get hold of you...'

Maty the Hamster doesn't write very often for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.




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