Saturday 29 July 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on a new book which hit the stores this week


I can't say that I've ever read those English-French dictionaries or the phrase books that seem to be so much a part of modern day overseas travel - and the claims by some modern day cassette producers that implies one can learn the language of your plane's destination by the time it touches the tarmac always leave me cold. After all, if it really was that easy, why wasn't the world fluent in everybody else's mother tongue?

No, I think you have to have a gift for it...

...especially when it comes to cross-species language barriers that present not only a problem of voice but a barrier of sound and posture that can convey just as much meaning - and sometimes more - than, in a hamster's case, a squeak or shriek.

My master, Lee, fluffed at school in French, so he tells me, though he prides himself on being able to claim that he managed to pass his oral examination by answering the one-to-one questions in pre-arranged fashion, telling the examiner that his dad was a policeman, that his mother a policewoman, their pet a police dog and that the family enjoyed nothing better than to visit police stations in their holidays.

A sincere case of fabrication if ever I've heard one but at least he couldn't be failed.

Nevertheless, where cross-human languages had always been a matter of intense frustration, cross-species barriers represent no such dilemma and, first with George, Lee has been one of the foremost in conversing with animals and insects throughout the world and to bring together man and beast in ways that had only been dreamt possible before.

A bit like a real Doctor Doolittle (but the white version), I can vouch for the fact that Lee's been working hard on a new book which saw release this week and which is already threatening to become a pet best-seller by this time next year. The title - 'Care to Hamster Squeak?' - although not the most catchy of titles, is full of glossy pictures and illustrations and comes complete with its own CD ROM which should be listened to in conjunction with the photographs.

'It was difficult to conceive a format that would be easy to use for both young and old alike' Lee told me as he changed my fresh food over on Tuesday and refilled my water bottle 'Our main problem was how to start with a neutral format and then build upon a stencil that would be easily appreciated and understandable. I think we've managed that with this third attempt but, even so, conceptualizing people's intelligence levels was by no means easy'

Working sometimes without food for days on end along with my colleague, this book contains all that every pet owner should ever need to convey to their hamster pet, whether they be Russian, Chinese or Syrian though the reader is also warned that certain dialects (notably those amongst the Scottish population) can be extremely difficult to understand and Altavista's Babel Fish should be referred to for advice on the matter when available.

'The most difficult thing' Lee pointed out to me 'was trying to think of a way in which a hamster's ears could be represented and which the average hamster would recognize. After all, the position of both ear, eye and tongue can dramatically change the meaning conveyed and, to give just one example, the phrase:

'I am most definitely having a bad fur day. Would you lick that tuft back down for me?'

can be transformed into the more aggressive:

'Peanuts weren't designed to do that with them. Are you a hamster or a rat, anyway?'

by simply retracting the front teeth - a warning that every human should take seriously.

'We found that there were a lot of misunderstandings that were generated between hamsters and their owners in the early days - but this was all part of the learning process. We put out the project as a beta version to many selected households and got invaluable feedback that helped us to modify the project and improve it. The CD, too, was recorded more than sixteen times to get the exact sound needed to represent each action - there was nothing we didn't do to try and iron out all the wrinkles'
And does Lee think this has been achieved?

'To a great extent, yes it has' he replied 'But we couldn't possibly cover all scenarios and situations. Readers should take the book as a starting block from which to develop their own inter-personal relationship with their hamster'

Are there any projects in the pipeline to extend the research that's being done on other species?

'We hope to have a "Care to shriek Ant?" book available in the shops by Christmas' Lee assured me 'but we've run into problems with research into the languages of the domesticated cat'

'Problems?' I enquired 'What problems are these?'

'I guess that it's partly our fault' he confessed 'but our workers are predominantly rodent and, just when we achieve a breakthrough, they get eaten before they can record their observations and email them back to us...'

Although I've only read halfway through the book in question, I must vouch for its accuracy on numerous pages. If any criticism could be leveled at it, it's the price - a staggering £45.00 (about $67) - which remains prohibitive to the more general reader. Having said that, we at the Rodent Weekly fully endorse the book and wish it every success.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.



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