Saturday 15th April 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the headline news from the human press

I rubbed my eyes with amazement and a fair amount of disbelief. Ebony had just come springing in to my reporter's office and plonked a copy of a famous human Daily on my desk, Jade's grimacing face presenting itself to me in full colour on the front page.

The headline said it all - 'Jade eats babies - Presidential campaign shock' - but I couldn't help wondering whether this was some human plot or other simply to discredit the campaign when little or nothing had actually transpired.

I gave the picture a detailed examination with a magnifying glass kept in my top drawer for just such an occasion (it happens a lot). Well, certainly it looked like Jade was eating a hamlet, but did that definitely prove, firstly, that it was hers and, secondly, that she hadn't been given permission?

I slapped myself around the head to wake myself up to the problem - no, that wasn't the point of the article at all. It was that Jade had eaten any hamlet - even if it did belong to another hamster mother, it really didn't matter. What mattered was the slur that had been placed on the Campaign by publicising the photograph with such an accompanying editorial.

Hey! But wait a minute!

Where was the blood? Where was the half-chewed torso lacking a well-defined rodent head? Where was the red-stained sawdust that was scattered all round the cage? Where was...oh dear, I was beginning to make myself feel decidedly off colour.

As I examined the photograph, I noticed nothing macabre - no, not so much as a whisker was out of place. True, there was a certain hamlet with it's southpaw in Jade's mouth but how did that signify that it was being eaten? How did the viewer know that Jade wasn't simply trying to clean its paws of some finger-lickin chicken snack that it had inadvertently fallen into (as youngsters do)? How did the observer interpret it as an act of cannibalism when there was no wide-mouthed scream of pain from the youngster?

I lifted the receiver and rang the Campaign Headquarters and was met with a startled squeak from Yarash.

'They've printed what?' came the voice 'They've written what? But...but...they were just family photographs that we released to the press to announce the birth of our first bunch of hamlets! How dare they!'

There was a scuffle somewhere in the background and the rustling of paper as, I presume, the offending Daily was consulted. Squeaks of rage emanated in the distance and the sound of a thousand and one tiny paws were heard ripping paper to shreds in uncontrolled abandon and anger.

Shortly, Yarash appeared back on the line, composed and relaxed as if nothing had happened.

'We've taken appropriate action' he assured me 'and the offending article has been dealt with as it needed to be. I can't think who wrote this article - even the name of the author "Ebs Enflows" rings no particular bells with us - perhaps it's a pseudonym? We shall begin an investigation and I'll be in touch...'

The phone went dead and I felt an uneasiness begin to creep down my back. Hadn't I seen a pay cheque in my colleague's name just last week from that said newspaper? Was there more to it than had originally been apparent? I hoped not, but you never could tell...I made a mental note to catch up with Ebony as soon as my paws became idle...

...he certainly seemed to have a lot of explaining to do.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.




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