Saturday 24th June 2000
Ebony the Hamster reports on a new computer project


Perhaps it's just me - I don't know - but I certainly think that some of the more bizarre 'innovations' should never have seen the light of day and, even if they had, they should have promptly been pushed back into the deep recesses of the darkest corridors before they made their way out onto the street.

Take this new catalogue, for instance, sent to me by 'Mice of America' (and which, I hasten to add, has nothing whatsoever to do with the Rodent Campaign to have a hamster elected to the Whitehouse) of new computer accessories which, I quote

'...will brighten up the work station of any American rodent'

I mean, does the computer literate rodent actually need all these accessories that, for a piece of plastic and metal attachment, seem to be so hugely over-priced?

Here, let me give you an example:

On page five (if you have the catalogue) you'll see a miniature version of a paper holder which, according to the inventors, will improve keyboard skills by bringing the work to eye-level...being game for most things, we ordered one of these contraptions and found that, although it could be placed conveniently next to the keyboard, the main problem was not being able to see one's work but the computer screen which sits outside the focal range of most rodents - and where's the miniature screen in the catalogue?

I'll tell you - nowhere.

Novelties have always intrigued me and there's a hefty section devoted to the strangest of products ranging from 'furry computer screen ears' which can be placed on top of the monitor and which comes with its own software to simulate twitching eyes and a nose as a screensaver to the more fantastic 'right-click human' - I joke not!

It seems as if a growing consensus of mice have become disgruntled that the main operating tool of the Windows systems continues to be called 'the mouse' and, as an act of retaliation, I presume, have invented their own 'human' with full functionality, including, for those operating design packages, the middle button for special commands.

I stared at the page in disbelief - click on the right arm for a list of specific commands and the left for the usual instructions. The head is the middle button, it appears, and is activated by slam-dunking the cranium onto the mouse-mat. Although not pictured in the brochure, the description assures me that this 'human' has a rolling pot-belly which acts as the ball and the wire connecting it to the computer is the longest looking leg one's ever seen.

No, no - these new improvements to work-stations are just no-hopers.

But the catalogues do make intriguing reading and one wonders whether, in a few years' time, a giraffe catalogue or similar might be thrust out into the market for all to peruse.

I certainly hope not...

Ebony the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.




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