Saturday Saturday 17th June 2000
Maty the Hamster writes on how to train a hamster to develop an offensive tooth

So, we look 'cute', huh? Bundles of warm fur with young, bright eyes that are the end product of their weeks of endless worry over the new litter and of all those protein supplements they've been feeding to the mother - but, as most grown-hams know, the nightly errand of sharpening the hamlets' teeth will not go unfruitful when the day arrives when the teenage hamster - for the first time - decides to bite the hand that feeds them.

So many young hamlets are careless in their initial approach to a human that it seems right that we cover a few of the more important ground rules here and remember that, what older hamsters tell you, they have learnt by experience.

If at all possible, you should never bite a child's hand - not because they don't deserve it because, sometimes, they do - but because their older ones like to insist that 'they know better' and are skilled in the ancient art of 'how to handle a hamster'. It's a spirited thing you do - and a duty that is necessary to perform - to go always for the hand of the adult human and to draw blood at every opportunity so that the younger human may realise that grown-ups aren't so wise as they like to make out they are.

Of course, young humans already know this but it's good to have contributed to their sense of well-being and security in life, a trait that they will sadly lose when they obtain hamsters for their own children in years to come and we turn our dental attention towards their pink skin.

But, for now, let's consider briefly, how a hamster should make that pre-emptive strike on the hand. That soft bundle of fur (see picture above right) is never more deadly than when a hand comes in to the cage and hovers near the mouth thinking that all is safe (see picture below left). That, my hamster colleagues, is the time to strike.

Don't be surprised at the sudden withdrawal of the hand from your cage - or of the use of language by your victim that you have never heard before - this is all part and parcel of the victory once you've made that first, decisive bite. You are sure to immediately get much more attention by the young of the family who'll pet and fuss over you in case, somehow, their parents have hurt you.

Do play this for all it's worth - staggering about the cage is probably best achieved with a half-glazed expression on the eyes. Remember, the better you do this, the more likelihood you have of getting some tasty morsel from the young human who thinks that their parents have injured you in some way. Running about the cage in some sort of fit of panic has also proven effective amongst European hamsters and the reports from that continent indicate that this is more likely to get oneself pampered than a feigning of injury.

And don't be afraid that, when the next adult hand comes in, you should desist from biting it - by no means. Indeed, it's good to move bedding to near an exit hole of the cage so that, when it comes in, what they think is a soundly sleeping rodent is, in fact, a coldly calculating hamster ready to pounce just as soon as the hand comes within optimum distance.

Finally, my friends in fur, always be picky about what you eat in those formative years. A young human who sees you fail to extract one scrap of food from their dish is the more likely to try different foods on you than one who sees a rodent devour the lot. So, eat wisely - and soon you'll have untold dietary delights entering the bars of your cage at regular intervals.

I know that many young hamsters will have their own experiences they're wanting to share with the world, so please feel free over the next few weeks to email me here at the Weekly and I'll do my best to put together your responses into a further article.

Maty the Hamster doesn't write very often for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.





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