Saturday 4th March 2000
Dak the Hamster reports on the shock news

I couldn't believe my eyes when the email arrived in my inbox and I saw Ganjette's dead face as I launched the accompanying attachment. I pressed my ear up to the computer screen to see if I could detect any sound of breathing but, alas, nothing - not so much as a whisper.

Hoaxes proliferate in the world of the reporter and it wouldn't have been the first time that just such a hoax had been spread maliciously. I was reminded of that incident a number of years back - where did I read it? - of a guy reading the obituaries in his newspaper at the breakfast table only to find the column that announced his death. Mistakes do happen so I rushed over to the phone and dialled the Campaign Headquarters.

No, this was no hoax - Ganjette was dead!

The thoughts ricocheted round my mind like some tropical fish that was bouncing off the walls of a fish tank - a metaphor I had used before and which, no doubt, I was destined to use again. What would now happen to the Hamster Presidential Campaign? Would there be found an adequate successor to take Ganjette's place? And why did Yarash's name keep springing to mind whenever I thought of a replacement? What was Ganjette's owner going to do with the body - bury it, cremate it or stuff it? And why was I leaving a nestful of sunflower seeds gleaned from the food bowl the night before in my compartment without eating them?

I quickly cracked a couple open while I contemplated the answer to the questions. I needn't have contemplated as long as I did - there, in my inbox, was the answer to most of my ponderings.

The Campaign would go on, the GFO assured me, even though Scratch, the vice-president, had resigned out of respect for the death of his wife. And the campaign would go on, for the time being at least, in the name of Ganjette - just as it had done when Ganja, Ganjette's father, had died all those months ago.

The Hamster Presidential Campaign had already been formulating a 'succession' policy whereby the right to run as President (and to continue in office once elected) was naturally to be handed over to the most competent offspring of the preceding candidate. In the previous case, Ganjette was hurriedly recovered from a nearby pet store upon Ganja's death and...well, the rest is history.

As far as the Rodent Weekly can make out, there are just three possible candidates, though we would emphasise that no shortlist has yet been drawn up. One is Jade, the little daughter of Booker T and the late Yako Zimba the first. She's the great-granddaughter of Ganjette and would be a popular choice. However, Jade is currently married to the now legendary Yarash and, as he's already demonstrated his competency in handling human affairs, he would necessarily be the most logical successor so long as the marriage with Jade produces offspring.

Thirdly, there's Yako Zimba the second (known affectionately as Y2Z), a direct descendant of Ganjette through Jade and Yarash, born Thanksgiving Day at a local pet store.

Ladbrokes, Britain's leading betting agents, reported punting as 'steady and interested' in their 'Succession Stakes'. Yarash remains the bookies favourite at 8/11 with Y2Z the outsider at 5/1. Jade, however, after being ignored when the book first opened is now a strong second favourite at 5/4 amidst one bet of £11,000 to £8,000 being struck as the Rodent Weekly goes to print.

Meanwhile, pictures of Ganjette have been occurring in all parts of the world. Her face was seen briefly over the ancient pyramids of Egypt and in sunsets around the world. More disturbing was a London sighting of Ganjette's image in a freshly baked meat pasty (just as Mother Theresa's face appeared in the same local shop a couple of years ago) and in an image taken by the Hubble Telescope as it scanned the surface of Mars. It was also reported amongst many Lady Diana mourners that many of her pictures had grown ears in recognition of the loss of the Presidential Candidate.

Ganjette will be sorely missed - not only by the Presidential Party and the GFO. I remember meeting with her on numerous occasions and talking extensively with her about American Standards for Sunflower Seed Quality Control and adequate test facilities at all Nuclear Plants for the right bedding material for pet rodents.

The Rodent Weekly would like to take this sad opportunity to extend its deepest sympathies to all those who, at the present moment in time, are mourning this sad loss.

Dak the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
The Hamster Presidential web site can be found at www.hamsterforpresident.com.