Saturday 12th February 2000
Ebony the Hamster reports on a new hamster celebrity

I first met Baxter a few weeks ago when a reporting trip to Saint Louis lined up most of the notable hamsters of the community at a civic reception to inaugurate a local building that was being opened for the welfare of abandoned pets. I only got a few moments chat with him at that time, I seem to recall, but I remember remarking to myself that he was the only hamster I'd ever seen wear a hat and wondered just what it all meant - after all, he didn't seem overly troubled by it even though it had obviously been placed there by some owners masquerading as 'caring humans'.

But then, amazingly enough, the St Louis Rams went and did something really stupid - they won the Superbowl - and Baxter's face was seen, smiling from newspapers and periodicals throughout the State and we felt, here at the Rodent Weekly, that it was long overdue that we try and get some sort of interview with him as soon as was hammishly possible.

I again arrived in St Louis one cold winter's morning as the wind whipped along the streets, bringing dust to rain on the surrounding buildings. My interviewee had arranged a private head-to-head in a nearby motel and we met amidst reporters flashing cameras and would-be tourists running after them supposing they were covering some exclusive scoop.

And Baxter was still wearing that ridiculous hat! Well, I guess when you're famous for one specific thing, you might as well flaunt it!

I began by asking the boringly mundane questions that we have to ask at these times to determine genealogical descent and the like - you know, name of mother and father, brothers and sisters. Are there any hamsters associated with the Ganjette Presidential Campaign? How big is the cage you live in? You all know the sorts of things so I shan't bore you here with the details. Having covered them in a few short minutes that seemed to be drawn into the beginnings of eternity, I turned my attention to the hat.

'So, how long have you been a fan of the Rams?' I asked.

Baxter looked at me with a question forming on his eyebrows (hamsters do have eyebrows, it's just that they're often very well hidden by all that fur), then puzzlement - 'Rams?' he squeaked 'Who are the Rams?'

Either this hamster was acting dumb or he was an imbecile...I was starting to favour the latter option - 'The Rams' I repeated 'The Superbowl? Professional Football? That great win?'

Baxter just stared at me blankly.

'That hat!' I pointed with an outstretched paw 'What about that hat?'

He looked upwards towards the ceiling, peered at the greying roof and asked me 'What hat? Where? I don't see a hat!'

This was going to be more difficult than I'd imagined - 'The hat that's on the top of your head!' I objected. Baxter felt with his paws and then a flood of realisation hit him:

'Oh, that!' he giggled 'That's no hat - that's a receiving antenna for the rat colony on Mars. They're due a transmission soon so I may have to break off the interview if they transmit'

'Mars?' I squeaked 'Antenna? I thought you were a supporter of the St Louis Rams?!'

'Oh no. That's what a lot of people think when they first meet me but I'm actually a stranded rat in the bodily form of a hamster who was left behind here on the rats' last mission to this planet six millennia ago. I have to maintain an air of realism if I can but, fundamentally, my job is to continue receiving their signals until the time comes once more for the invasion'

Yes, imbecile - I was right first time - I should always learn to follow my instincts and pay them more respect than I do. I closed my reporters' notebook and excused myself from the interview - while I was starting to doubt whether anyone in St Louis was actually sane anymore when I noticed row upon row of locals wearing the same sort of garb (which planet were they trying to communicate with?).

I couldn't help but wonder 'Why me?'

I mean, why not send Dak? Why send me? Why was it that I always got the nutters?

I waited at the station for a good hour and a half until my train arrived and then, with much thanks, returned to civilisation and sanity as fast as it would carry me.

Ebony the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
Ganjette's presidential web site can be found at www.hamsterforpresident.com.