Saturday 1st April 2000
Ebony the Hamster shares a little about how to name a hamster

How do humans select a name for a hamster? This may seem like proposing what is, to me, the ultimate question to the ultimate problem in life but it is, nevertheless, something that has been on my mind for the past few weeks and I've deliberately spent extra time in my nest compartment - rather than running on my wheel - just to try and think through the implications of what these humans label us with when they first come to meet us and take us home as their pets.

I mean, take me, for example. Why 'Ebony'? After all, I'm not ebony coloured, never have been and neither do I intend having myself dyed that colour. So, why 'Ebony'? Beats me...my owner has just started shortening the name to 'Ebs' which is preferable cos it hides the colour problem but, if they ever buy another hamster and call it 'Flo', that's the time I leave - I promise.

Now, I can understand some names of the hamsters that have gone before me in this house because, to a great extent, they were logical. Dak, my current colleague-in-fur, was named because the word means 'extremely small' and that's just what he is - he's still pretty tiny and I've often wondered why they don't call him 'Newt' - then, visitors would say:

'Oh, what you got in there?'

And Lee could say 'It's only my Newt'

Get it? Never mind...

Kesef, before him, was named because the word means 'silver' - Lee and Kath had had a few hamsters at that time and he was the greyest of them all when compared to the others - therefore, a logical name. Arlev and Hakeem before him were so named because the former means 'Lionheart' (he was the first hamster of the two to discover the existence of a tube and descend its entire length - thus making him the braver of the two), the latter 'Wise One' (he used to quietly meditate on proverbs and the sayings of the ancient sages most of the day).

These are all wonderfully logical - though George was a little bit of a misnomer. Apparently, so my owners tell me, George was named after a Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck cartoon called 'The Abominable Snowman'. I can't go in to the ins and outs of just why that came about but, if you get a chance to watch the cartoon, I'm sure you'll understand.

Now, that brings me on to the naming of this new hamster over there in Washington - 'Jade' they call her. Would you just take a look at her picture now before going any further? Does she look like a jade? Is she the colour of jade? Why on earth, therefore, choose 'Jade'? Why pick a name out the blue that doesn't represent the hamster who has to bear it for the rest of her life? I mean, such mistitling could psychologically unhinge a hamster! Why do humans do it?

Lee had his own ideas and sent the names Snuzzle, Gummidge, Bear-face, Furball, Huppim and Muppim to the owner as suggestions - see what I mean about humans? Just tell me, will you? - how does she look like a Snuzzle? And what does that word mean, anyway?

But did the owners actually stop and think to ask the poor hamster? Did they? Hamsters aren't incompetent at naming themselves, you know? They're really quite intelligent animals! But, oh no, humans would rather trundle along doing their own thing and choose totally inappropriate names for their pets!

Sheesh!

Makes you want to spit doesn't it?

Ebony the Hamster writes for the Rodent Weekly.
This article appears courtesy of that paper.
The Hamster Presidential web site is at www.hamsterforpresident.com